Ben Zornes

Living and Dying to Show the Preciousness of Christ

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The Good, Bad, & Ugly of Anger

The Good, Bad, & Ugly of Anger

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God is slow to anger (Ps. 103:8, 145:8), but the Psalmist also asks the Lord how long “shall thy wrath burn like fire (Ps. 89:46)?” Anger is likened to a kindling of fire (Ps. 78:21). The hebrew word aph (אף) is commonly translated as anger or wrath, and it is used to describe the heat of passion when one is transgressed by another party or parties. God’s wrath in the New Testament is likened to a goblet of wine slowly filling up which will suddenly overflow in holy judgement upon evildoers. All this together should show us that anger is not a sin, but what our anger is directed at determines whether our anger is righteous or wicked. 

If a genuine transgression is committed against you, anger is a proper response; but the question comes down to whether it was a real offense or only a perceived one. Furthermore, Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:26, “Be ye angry, and sin not,” followed by the famous admonition to not let the sun go down on your anger. Meaning, anger over an offense should be dealt with swiftly, and that anger must not be allowed to linger. Forgiveness and reconciliation is what anger’s end game should be (Eph. 4:32).

We experience anger internally, which can lead to various external exhibitions of anger. Internally, anger leads to brooding over the offense, bitterly seething over means of vengeance; rarely, however, does anger stay bottled up. It bursts forth either in “cold-shoulders” or raging frenzies. Physical violence, cruel words, manipulative moodiness are all ways which anger “comes out.” 

In the fruits of the flesh listed in Galatians 5, Paul includes wrath in the list of things which an unregenerate life will produce. Along with strife, murder, sedition, and the rest of Paul’s list, wrath is given as an evidence that the Spirit is absent in a man. However, in the fruit of the Spirit list, long-suffering is included; the Greek word there could also be translated “long to anger” or a more natural rendering: slow to anger. As a Christian, the Spirit works in us to forbear each others offenses (Eph. 4:2), and enables us to endure with patience when we are wronged. Rather than being a “fleshly” man who blows up at the slightest offense, a Christian covers a multitude of sins (Pro. 10:12).

Our anger is intended to drive us in a particular direction. If we’ve been wronged, it should drive us to lovingly confront the one who offended us in order that our relationship might be restored; or else we need to simply let go of the anger and overlook the sin, forbearing to hold it against them. If we are angry at a perceived offense, our anger should be quelled and it should drive us to see our pride, self-righteousness, selfishness, and our own sinful heart. This last sort of anger should drive us to repentance, whereas just anger should drive us to reconciliation.

The Virtue of Picking a Fight

The Virtue of Picking a Fight

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‘Splain Yoself

In the years that I’ve been writing publicly, a common contention is that pointing out and knocking down certain worldly viewpoints might be hurtful to people. The frequent rebuff I’ve seen is that Christians are supposed to be loving, not judgy and all that. Or some keyboard warrior will ask, “Why did you pick a fight on this or that issue, shouldn’t Christians be Gospel centered?”

Confronting some cultural nonsense, whether in the church or outside it, will often earn you the chiding of other Christians implying that you need to be more gracious, sweet, and kind. I’d like to address some of these objections, showing why we need twice the courage and half the niceness.

Impotent Gospel-Centeredness

First of all, too often claiming to be “Gospel-centered” has become an excuse to confine the Gospel to the size and scope of a linen closet. You’re not gospel-centered if you’re embarrassed by the Gospel as it is found in Leviticus, or in the hard sayings of Christ, or in the biting rhetoric of the Prophets, or in the salty stories of Judges. To be Gospel-centered actually requires us to be Bible-centered. We must read and receive the whole book.

You can think that John 3:16 is the only verse you need to hop up and down on, but even there, in that famous verse, Jesus clearly lays out the consequences of not believing in the only begotten Son: you will perish. Jesus seems to be implying, trigger warning, that outside of faith in Him there is no meaningful life.

It does no good to be Gospel-centered with an impotent Gospel. The Gospel of Christ is that He demands the whole of your life, your neighbor’s life, and Saudi Arabia’s life. He is Lord of all the earth. It all belongs to Christ. He has commanded us to disciple the nations, not coax them to join our religious LARPing club. Our Gospel is to the whole world, for the whole world.

The Godly Virtue of Picking Fights

Others object that picking a fight, by writing on a controversial topic (which I have been known to do), doesn’t seem very grace-filled. This all depends on if you define grace Biblically, or if you have had it defined for you by the sort of books with the author’s face taking up 90% of the front cover. Grace is proclaiming that God looks upon those in Christ with favor, having forgiven them all their sins. Grace is not molly-coddling folly or sin. Numerous examples of Prophets & Apostles, let alone our Lord Jesus, show that picking a fight can be the most godly course of action. Through these instances of godly fights, we see God’s grace displayed to sinners.

Take Paul for instance, in Acts 23:6-7 “But when Paul perceived that the one part were Sadducees, and the other Pharisees, he cried out in the council, Men and brethren, I am a Pharisee, the son of a Pharisee: of the hope and resurrection of the dead I am called in question. And when he had so said, there arose a dissension between the Pharisees and the Sadducees: and the multitude was divided.”

Paul would have known that he was launching a topic of vigorous dispute into the midst of the gathered crown. He took a side on a heated topic, and went straight for the hottest point of contention. This sort of action, if it took place at some denomination’s General Assembly might be deemed by some as being quite partisan, giving way to the sin of Christian Nationalism.

Was this Paul being gracious? Could Paul have been a little less controversial? The Lord Jesus seemed to quite approve of Paul’s actions, for the Lord himself appeared to Paul the next night with a divine “Attaboy” (Act. 23:11). The Lord’s response to Paul picking a fight isn’t on many Evangelicals’ BINGO card. Paul displays for us what grace does. God’s favor rested upon Paul, and so he did not fear to face the mob, he provoked the crowd to pick a side. This is grace in action.

Slow Motion Compromise

I’ll grant that you can pick fights in a “Sons of Thunder” sort of way, which Jesus rebukes. You can also be divisive in a way that grieves the Spirit. You can also happen to be fighting for an unbiblical position. In all these instances, a humble man or woman of God should be open to correction and repent when they see from Scripture that they’ve either been incorrect or truly unkind. You can also be a coward and not be willing to suffer for the sake of the truth of God’s Word, that’s an option that escapes far too many K-LOVE listeners.

Many Christians hold to a doctrine of slow motion capitulation. They’re like a football team who respond to one of their players committing a holding penalty by kneeling down on every play for the rest of the game. They tell themselves this is how they love their neighbor, proud in their display of grace to their opponent. Christ calls us to stand with boldness for the whole counsel of the Word. We do this by suffering when afflicted, but we do not obey His command by capitulating to the worldliness which He came to deliver us from. Just because some cage-stage Calvinist once rubbed a whole church the wrong way, doesn’t mean that we must never face conflict in holding to the Gospel once delivered to the church.

Imitating all of Christ

Christ was not gentle towards wolves. He was not particularly nice towards self-righteous sinners (Pharisees), power hungry sinners (King Herod), or to slutty sinners (the woman caught in adultery). What He was was the Word of God made flesh. He came to deliver us from sin, and He addressed it righteously and pointedly at every turn.

We are to imitate the Lord Jesus in His mercy and in His truth. He mocks the gay wardrobe of Herod’s courtesans. He gives a pointed barb at the woman at the well. He teases the nonsense of the Pharisaical fussiness. Then, He dies for the sins of the world. Everything He did was to glorify the Father, and the Father pronounces that He had been glorified in the Son (Jn. 12:28).

Should we imitate our Christ? Or should we merely treat our Lord as a buffet of moral virtues which we can take or leave. We live in a moment of sweeping national transgression. We got here by imitating a Hallmark version of Christ. If we would recover our nation, we must return to the Christ declared on every page of Scripture.

As a concluding observation, when the godly oppose wickedness, it is rare that the wicked turn and say, “Gee, thanks!” But when the fool is struck by the Word, those with understanding will understand and beware (Pro. 19:25). The lost have seen plenty of capitulation and flip-flopping all around them. What often sets them back, awakening them to grace, is seeing men and women of God stand with conviction for the whole counsel of God without getting red in the face for those portions of Leviticus about shell-fish. The world has seen plenty of cowardice, perhaps it is waiting for Christians who are actually courageous to believe, live, and declare the Word with boldness.

Cuttings for the Dead

Cuttings for the Dead

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Listen to an Audio Version of the post.

Introduction: The Weight of Grief

Death is an enemy. We were warned in Eden that this enemy would be unleashed if we disobeyed, and as certain as the Bible, death came for us. Though our first ancestors still lived long lives, stretching nearly a millennium, it came for them all. Not one could escape. As the weight of grief and the fear of death haunted mankind, the people of the earth sought for ways to satiate the pain, honor the dead, and keep the specter of their own mortality at bay.

Of course we have the archaeological evidence of how ancient cultures grieved their dead, how they buried them, and honored them, and––more importantly to my point here––how they dealt with their grief. The Scripture offers us a hint in Moses’ law:

Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

Leviticus 19:28

This prohibition explicitly rules out mourning for the dead by marring, branding, or inking your flesh. It is striking that what we might call “self-harm” was the response to grief that Scripture took off the table as being an unlawful way to grieve.

No Tats for Abraham’s Kids

The larger immediate context here in Leviticus addresses pagan ways of life. These practices aren’t allowed for God’s covenant people, practices such as eating meat with blood, witchcraft, pagan hairstyles (likely addressing the practice of honoring some deity by shaving their signs/symbols into your hair). The Hebrews’ grief over the dead was not to be excessive or inconsolable. They served the God who had revealed Himself to be “I AM,” and thus the resurrection from the dead was baked into Israel’s religious understanding (Cf. Mk. 12:26-27).

A few chapters later, God makes a similar prohibition; this time His directions are aimed towards the Levitical priests:

They shall not make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard, nor make any cuttings in their flesh.

Leviticus 21:5

The priests were not to adopt the practices of pagan priests, whether it be in shaving pagan symbols into their hair, cutting their flesh, or prostituting their daughters. The priests of Yahweh were to act in accordance with His covenant, not according to synchronistic pragmatism.

Deuteronomy Weighs in

In Moses’ covenant renewal sermons of Deuteronomy he reiterates this prohibition:

Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead.

Deuteronomy 14:1

In view here are practices common amongst the Baal worshippers of Canaan. These rituals are exhibited later on in Scripture, in Elijah’s contest with Baal’s priests (1 Kng. 18:28). “Cuttings of the flesh” constituted a part of Canaanite fertility rituals to appease Baal. They thought the ground would be renewed through spilling their own blood upon it. Israel was not allowed to participate in either the grieving practices of the Canaanites, nor in such fertility rituals.

In Canaanite religion there were also “professional” lamenters. These were usually women who would be hired to weep, wail, and cut themselves in order to express their grief. Their purpose in this was to show the deceased that they were held in honor. This was thought to keep the spirits from haunting the community. Regardless, God prohibits this sort of marring of our bodies as a means of grieving the dead.

Tattoos Abounding

So, what are we to do with the fact that, even amongst Christians, we not only have no aversion to tattoos, we embrace & welcome tattooing. It shouldn’t surprise us to find an abundance of tattoos in the broader culture, as it is increasingly paganized. But the frequency of the practice should also draw our attention to why it is being done. What’s the most common type of tattoo? Is it not some tribute to a deceased relative or friend? A heart with mom’s name in it. Angel wings with Grandpa Bill’s name inscribed. And after all, why is it that skulls are the go-to tattoo? I’d hazard a guess that the amount of tattoos a woman gets, corresponds closely to her number of abortions.

It’s striking that in pagan cultures of old, the tendency was to grieve the dead through marring one’s own flesh, and marking it to honor the departed. This ritual was off limits to Israel. Now, as Western Civilization abandons the worship of the Triune God, we find ourselves returning to ancient pagan means of grieving the dead. The cults of the dead would mark themselves, an attempt to keep a sort of contact with the dead. It was a vain hope that the marks upon their flesh would enable the living to communicate with the dead. We see this sort of sentimentalism in the common expressions about deceased family “looking down” on us and “watching over us.”

Grief over death leads unbelievers to mark their flesh with proof of their grief. Those without the hope of the resurrection reach to vain measures to cling to the hope of seeing their departed loved ones again. The Word of God forbids us from attempting this. Instead it comforts us with the knowledge that those in Christ Jesus shall rise again, and are, even now, in Christ’s blessed presence.

Are Other Sorts of Tattoos Lawful?

The inevitable objection is that not every tattoo is drawn as a means of grieving. Are other sorts of tattoos lawful? What if you just want to have permanent artwork, or the symbol of some group you’re a part of? We must remember that Israel was given a sign with which their body was to be marked: circumcision. And now in the New Covenant, our body is marked with a sign of water. To be marked with some other sign is to allow a kind of covenantal claim on your body.

One irony is that many Christians argue that they are getting their tattoo to be a witness to their Christian faith. So they ink a Hebrew or Greek word on their wrist. Here’s the problem. At the very least adopting a “cool” cultural practice in order to witness to their faith should raise the question, as to whether this practice is the best medium for Gospel communication. Making a Christian porn film to show how intense Song of Solomon’s view of marriage is would not only be unwise, it would be an unlawful way of communicating the Word.

A Rival Sign

But there’s a deeper problem than just mindless cultural conformity. When a Christian gets a tattoo to mark themselves as a “person of faith” in some way, they introduce a rival covenant sign to their baptism. Of course, our baptism itself isn’t perpetually visible to the physical eye. But this is why the Christian is admonished to let their manner of life adorn & display the Gospel (1 Thes. 1:5, 2 Pt. 3:11). This is precisely the point of the Levitical law before us, your body is not to be marked because it already has been marked out for the Lord’s service.

A small cross tattoo on your forearm raises the question as to why you would need a permanent bodily sign when God has already sealed you as a son or daughter of promise through your baptism. Other marks are not only unnecessary, they purport to replace the sign of your baptism. This, of course, isn’t the expressed rationale for most Christians who get a tattoo. But it should be asked, “how is such a mark not a rival token to your baptism?”

If a tattoo is merely a permanent adornment for stylistic purposes, we’re confronted with the need to explain how these “cuttings/pricks” are not what Leviticus prohibits. If the tattoo is a mark of your devotion to Christ, you must be challenged to defend how it isn’t a rival baptism. Some justify tattoos by citing Paul. In Galatians 6:17, Paul calls the scars he received by being beaten for his witness of Christ, his stigma (or tattoo). These were marks he unwillingly received, but gloried in later due to the witness they bore to his sufferings for Christ. It should be evident to us that willingly placing a rival token on yourself is quite a different thing than unwillingly receiving persecution for testifying to Christ.

Furthermore, God promises to mark out all who are His (Ez. 9:1-4), and the Lamb has marked all the elect with His Father’s name upon our foreheads (Rev. 14:1). It would seem that the sort of tattoos which Christians defend are an attempt to walk by sight and not by faith in God’s promise to write His name on their forehead.

One Other Thing (Okay a Few Other Things)

Thus, tattoos or markings which commemorate a deceased person are unlawful. Marking oneself with the emblem of loyalty to some earthly community (however “harmless”) is also unlawful. Both of these are resurrecting the vain practices of paganism. But closer to home, Christians should not reify their baptism through appropriating the practice of godless superstition. If you have a tattoo, you should refrain from getting any more. Remove them as you’re able, or else keep them as discretely as possible.

And in this matter, as in all others, repenting of past follies begets future wisdom. The commands to ancient Israel were not capricious, nor should we think they’ve simply sputtered out. There were clear dangers from which God was guarding His people (both then and now). We are set apart as God’s people, through the sign & seal of baptism. The water which washed you at your baptism is a sign which was good enough in God’s sight to mark you as His, so don’t try to outdo God.

What Are You Saying?

What Are You Saying?

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Introduction 

The Proverbs put some colorful descriptions to how miserable a contentious household or relationship can be. Here are a few examples: when strife begins it is like trying to stop a leaking dam (Pro. 17:14); an offended brother is like an impenetrable fortress and his contentions are iron bars (Pro. 18:19); better to live alone in rural North Dakota than with a contentious and an angry woman (Pro. 21:19); along the same lines, it’s better to live in the attic than to live in a mansion with a brawling woman (Pro 25:24); wood fuels a fire and a contentious man fuels strife (Pro 26:21); it’s hard to tell the difference between a continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman  (Pro 27:15); proud hearts and angry men stir up contention and a furious man abounds in transgression (Pro. 28:25a & 29:22). 

The Text

1 Peter 1:13-21

13 Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 14 As obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance: 15 But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; 16 Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy. 17 And if ye call on the Father, who without respect of persons judgeth according to every man’s work, pass the time of your sojourning here in fear: 18 Forasmuch as ye know that ye were not redeemed with corruptible things, as silver and gold, from your vain conversation received by tradition from your fathers; 19 But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot: 20 Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you, 21 Who by him do believe in God, that raised him up from the dead, and gave him glory; that your faith and hope might be in God.

Holy or Vain

The contrast in this passage is between holiness in all manner of one’s conversation, and the vain conversation from which we were delivered. Notice that vain conversation was a tradition handed down from our fathers. The word translated here as conversation is could literally be rendered from the Greek as “every turning”. I think the translation of conversation is quite a useful one. It conveys a pivotal idea which Peter is getting at. At every turn you are declaring something, and as those called by the Father we are called to communicate holiness. Set-apartness. Not of the world-ness. God-likeness.  

Peter builds on this in the next chapter (1 Pt. 2:9-12), highlighting that as a royal priesthood (composed of Jews & Gentiles) they would be shewing forth the praises of “Him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” The Gentiles who might be inclined to speak evil of the saints would, by witnessing their “honest conversation” as demonstrated in good works, be brought to glorify God.

Remember that it isn’t merely what you say, but what you wear, what you do, how you act, your facial expressions, the tone of your voice, and the whole manner of your life which communicates. The medium is part of the message. This should lead us to be mindful as to whether what we are communicating to our household and in our relationships is holiness or vanity. That is the contrast here. 

Will your words, actions, demeanor, and countenance belie the fact that you are a royal priest of God Most High, or that you are embroiled in the tradition of a vain and useless manner of life? Will what your words and actions convey declare your likeness to God, your growth in godliness? Or will your words and actions convey all the force of a wisp of vapor? Notice that what endures forever is the Word of the Lord, but even the most glorious array of man, of the flesh, will shrivel like grass in late July. Peter reminds us that we are delivered, not by earthly things such as wealth and prestige, but by the precious blood of Jesus. Indeed, the blood of Christ speaks a better word, and that blood is our clothing, our royal garments, our uniform.

Eggshells & Tripwires

A key litmus test for whether the communication channels in a home are clear of debris is to ask if the family is able to joke with each other. Can they be playful? What this gets at is not whether they are able to sit down and play a game of RISK together, but can they be playful with each other at any point throughout their rhythm of life? 

Many homes riddled with bitterness and unconfessed grievances become a house full of eggshells and tripwires. The jesting that takes place is barbed, acidic, and produces, at best, forced laughter, but more likely the response is scowls, tears, and more broken eggshells to avoid. The room is filled with fumes, and everyone knows it. So instead of opening the windows, instead of sweeping up the eggshells, instead of calling in the bomb-squad to defuse the tripwires, everyone just tiptoes around in self-preservation. They just hope the whole place doesn’t blow. 

But this is no way to live. Five minutes in such a household makes it plain to the outside observer that something is awry, even if they can’t place it. The missing ingredient is true joy, which of course gives rise to what I term playfulness. 

Solomon exhorts men to “Live joyfully with thy wife (Ecc. 9:9).” As well as to “rejoice in the wife of thy youth (Pro. 5:18).” The latter passage is much more sexual in context (cf Pro. 5:19); however, a marriage in which sexual intercourse is in the context of joyless, resentment filled daily life is likely to be anything but a rejoicing in one’s wife. Solomon also demonstrates (in his famous love poem of Song of Songs) that lovers see each other everywhere and in everything from flocks of sheep, to towers, from pomegranates, to piles of wheat. Paul teaches husbands to “love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:19).” This could also be rendered as, “do not be a source of bitterness”; or “don’t be embittering/exasperating.” This follows Paul telling wives to submit to their own husbands (Col. 3:18); a lunkheaded lazy husband is going to embitter a wife in her endeavors to obey scripture and submit to her husband.

Living Like God’s Children

All of this comes down to heeding Peter’s admonishment “As obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance.” This echoes what Paul said in Rom. 12:2: “do not be conformed to this world.” You are either fashioning yourself after the world, in its ignorant lusts, or you are fashioning yourself according to your new Father. As such, we must do as our Father says: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers (Eph 4:29).” To riff on something R.M. M’Cheyne once said, if the four walls of your home could speak, would they testify of your devotion to God, your kindness and love to your family, or would they testify against you that you talk just like the world.

Practical Applications

If communication has gotten gunked up in a marriage or family, it is going to take deliberate actions by everyone involved to get things back on track. Remember from the Proverbs that a man is prone to folding his hands in sloth and his wife is thus prone to henpecking, this turns things into a vicious cycle. The husband should recognize that he is called to lead in restoring the conversation of the home from vanity to holiness.

He should get a time––preferably daily––where he and his wife (or if the whole home is involved in the crisis/fracas) can connect. Get it on the schedule. Prioritize it. They shouldn’t try to squeeze it in between the dishes and getting the baby in her PJs. They should also be ok with setting a time limit, not trying to solve all their problems in one go. Twenty minutes a day for a month would be better than one six hour slugfest until midnight. Forming a habit, or recovering from a hip replacement, takes more than an afternoon. 

The husband/father should set the example and lead such meetings. He should lead in prayer, turning to Scripture, owning his own sin (without attempting to leverage this to getting others to admit how rotten they’ve been). In other words, he should put on his Jesus uniform, and remind his wife (or the whole family in cases where the whole family is involved) to do likewise. The goal isn’t just to have a peaceful home for its own sake; rather, the goal is, as always, that God would be magnified in everything you say and do, whether in public or private.

Conclusion

When you are giving counsel you have to remember that where there is no contention the strife ceases. If the relationship is accustomed to playing by a certain set of rules, it is incumbent upon someone to begin playing by a different set of rules. Too many relationships are like playing chess using the rules for go-fish. Someone has to say, “as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” What are you saying? Because you’re always saying something. The Christian, and the Christian household is called to be deliberate and thoughtful about what you are saying. The fundamental Christian attitude is this: let everything you do, whether in word or deed, do all to the glory of God.

Companion of Fools

Companion of Fools

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Introduction

Teaching our children to walk in wisdom when it comes to entertainment and friendship is an active task for parents.  Throughout the Proverbs the word used for companion is a poetic use of the same word used throughout the OT for shepherding/feeding/tending a flock.

One of our primary jobs as parents is to feed our children. Now, imagine a parent who lets their child rummage freely through the cupboards whenever they like. Those parents will soon find the health problems of a diet which consists solely of jelly-beans and potato chips. In the same manner, parents are called to shepherd their children to pastures of green pastures. This is particularly important when it comes to what flock they run with.

Lead Your Teens to Green Pastures

The task is to lead your children to green pastures where other sheep commune together under the Great Shepherd. Sheep require vigilant care and attention. Sheep are herd creatures, and if they wander from the herd, or wander with the wrong animal they’re sure to become the main course on some other animal’s menu.

The Scriptures are our authority not only for what sort of friendships we should cultivate, but also what godly friendship is for. Proverbs 13:20 says, “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.” Paul reiterates this same reality that evil companionship leads to corruption, “Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners (1Cor. 15:33).” In other words, friendship is for the cultivation of wisdom.

When you walk with the wise, you walk in the way of the righteous, and so the fruit of wise friendship is that, “The lips of the righteous feed[H7462] many: but fools die for want of wisdom (Pro. 10:21).” Instead of becoming the main course, a wise man is able to feed many. Proverbs 15:14 offers a stark contrast to this exact thing: “The heart of him that hath understanding seeketh knowledge: but the mouth of fools feedeth[H7462] on foolishness.”

So friendship is for the cultivation of wisdom and thus righteousness. But how does Solomon teach us to cultivate friendship, and what sort?

The clear guidance we are given is that the morality of your friends matters, and certain individuals are to be spurned, not befriended: “Make no friendship[H7462] with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go (Pro. 22:24).” And,  “Whoso keepeth the law is a wise son: but he that is a companion[H7462] of riotous men shameth his father (Pro. 28:7).” Lastly, “Whoso loveth wisdom rejoiceth his father: but he that keepeth company[H7462] with harlots spendeth his substance (Pro. 29:3).” In other words, we are not to keep company with angry or riotous men, or with harlots.

There are other words of wisdom for us, but notice that here we have a simple summary of what sort of people shouldn’t be befriended. Are they bitter (and therefore prone to either outburst of wrath or cold, seething envy)? Are they out of control? Are they sexual loose? Then don’t keep company with such individuals it. Avarice, greed, and lust are not the traits you want in your children’s companions. As the Apostle John teaches, “Love not the world (1 Jn. 2:15-16).”

Contempt for the Cool

Perhaps one of the most important lessons which parents should teach their children is that of godly uncooperativeness. Proverbs 1:10, “My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not.” Those three words––“consent thou not”––is the sum and substance of what you want to aim for in raising your children to choose wise friends. It is the young man, void of understanding, who wanders down her street.

You want your children, at their various stages of development, to be sticks in the mud. They don’t just go along. They lead in the games, in the places the gang hangs out, what sort of things they talk about, what sort of jokes they laugh at, what sort of entertainment they enjoy. A wise son is not a log floating down the Mississippi; he’s a steamship going against the flow of foolishness.

But just going against the grain isn’t enough. Think about all the teens you’ve known who have gone through a rebellious “independent” streak. They shave the side of their head, put streaks of neon green, orange, or pink in their hair, put the bone through their nose and claim they’re doing it all to be different, to not conform. But the mugshots of all the Antifa protesters should be enough to conclude they they are not non-conformists, they are just conformists to an entirely different culture.

We want our children to go against the grain because they are being raised up to not depart from the way in which they’ve been trained. They already have a way they are going, and any deviation from that way will not entice them.

Lewis points out in the Four Loves that phileo love is oriented towards a mutual goal. Eros is face to face, while phileo is shoulder to shoulder. The question for your teens is: if you stand shoulder to shoulder with this individual or group of friends, which way are you pointing? Are you pointing towards folly, and thus poverty, despair, and death, or are you pointed at wisdom and therefore abundance, hope, and life?

Leisure Rather than Entertainment

An important distinction should be made here between entertainment, and leisure. Entertainment is akin to gluttony, in that it turns us into mindless consumers with no brakes to stop our indulgence. The rabbit hole of Youtube videos, the endless scroll of Social Media, all serve up to us a seemingly endless world of discovery and gratification. 

Leisure, on the other hand, is the enjoyment of one’s work, and the reception of the blessings of God. Entertainment gobbles and grabs, whereas leisure receives and rests. We rest in God, to work up a sweat, in order to rest once more. Leisure is a gift to be received.

Remember that friends are chosen, not assigned. We are born into families, but we choose our friends. Entertainment is a subset of friendship. In other words, no one forces you to watch whatever the latest smut-fest is. You choose it. Your choice is a fruit of your heart. A heart that either rejoices in evil or in the truth.

When your children are knee-high to a grasshopper, the father in particular is tasked with pointing and instructing. The movies you watch, the music you allow, the internet sites permitted should all be accompanied with pointing. Point out that Moana disobeys her dad, and then it is her dad who has to apologize in the end. Point out that the melody for most pop music is boring, repetitive, and unoriginal. All this pointing is so that by the time they are nearing adulthood, you’ve pointed out all the principles, and now they will continue to go in the way in which you’ve trained them.

One final note in regards to entertainment. The common complaint is that “clean” or “Christian” entertainment isn’t as cool, or slick, or well-produced as the latest “Dawn of the Freaky Brain Eaters” or whatever blockbuster garbagé Hollywood insists must be seen. The reply is this: “Better is an handful with quietness, than both the hands full with travail and vexation of spirit (Ecc. 4:6).”

Narnian Friendship

You want your kids to be Narnian in their friendship: “You could see that they were ready to be friends with anyone who was friendly and didn’t give a fig for anyone who wasn’t (The Horse and His Boy, pg. 55).” Readiness to befriend, however, is not the same thing as being a friend with everyone.

While we may choose our friends, and by extension our entertainment choices, we cannot choose to not have friendship. Friendship is inescapable. You are either a friend of the world, and thus riddled with lust and envy, and so an enemy of God: “Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God (Jas. 4:4);” or you are a friend of God, by faith, like father Abraham (Jas. 2:23).

So, as in all things, it comes back to believing the Gospel. This of course must be followed with obeying the Gospel out of love for God. And be like David, “I am a companion of all them that fear thee, and of them that keep thy precepts (Psa. 119:63).”

Fellowship on the Frontlines

Fellowship on the Frontlines

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Introduction

What is the aroma of your home? If your four walls could talk, would they describe a home of joyful love, or bitter carping. The tone and aroma of your home matter. The battlefield is where life-long friendships are formed. In the midst of conflict, fellowship is most necessary. The family is the frontlines for Gospel warfare. Too often we think of it as far off mission fields, or “important” spheres of society, like business, politics, finance, or the sciences. The Christian home is an arms dealer. The wife manufactures the ammo. The husband is then supplied with an arsenal, and then takes aim at the foe. As in any war effort, unity of force is a necessity. Disunity is the downfall of any military enterprise. 

Fellowship not Fraternity

An important distinction should be made. The word unity gets thrown around, and can conjure up recent political appeals. While unity is a Bible word (Cf. Eph. 4:3,13), there can be unity on any number of things. What Scripture describes as the basis for Christian unity is the fellowship we have with God and, by necessity, the brethren.

Our fellowship is no mere fraternity of humans. Rather, because of our union with Jesus Christ–the mediator between God and man–we have fellowship with God. Christian fellowship is not based on  commonly held beliefs; it isn’t a country club. It isn’t simply coffee and donuts after church. John Calvin once pointed out, “The ungodly have also a mutual union between themselves, but it is without God, nay, in order to alienate themselves more and more from God, which is the extreme of all evils.” Our fellowship is a spiritual communion of the saints through Jesus Christ which binds us into one body (Rom. 12:5, Eph. 2:16). It is in this fellowship with God by Christ that we are also reconciled to our fellow man (2 Cor. 5:18-21).

Christian fellowship is partaking. It is enjoying the benefits of our covenant union with God by Christ (1 Cor. 10:16). When you gather around your dinner table, your children partake of the benefits of your covenant vows. They taste the father’s hard work to fulfill his promise to provide for his bride; they enjoy the haven which their mother promised to make for her bridegroom. Eventually, they will enjoy the fruit of a life of covenant faithfulness by receiving their inheritance.

Fellowship is broken by sin, whether in Eden, or in your home. Sin breaks fellowship. What restores fellowship is forgiveness, and reunion into the partaking of the family riches.

Good Behavior is Not the Goal

One mistake that Christian parents make is that of trying to simply get good behavior out of their kids. They know they don’t want their children to become Philistines. But your goal is not merely good behavior, it is fellowship. God has brought us to enjoy fellowship with Him, and this forms the basis for true fellowship within the church, the home, and the nation. We don’t want to simply have good laws in our nation, we want a nation which enjoys true fellowship, based on the Gospel that sins are forgiven through Christ.

If you aim merely at getting good behavior out of your little ones, you can begin to treat your children like a programmer treats code. Input the code, out comes the program. But that’s not how God wants us to train up our children. Your children are not a pile of cinder blocks. The imagery scripture gives us is that of olive plants, growing up around your table (Ps. 128:3). Meaning you cannot treat them as a clump.

The practical here is that, while in some instances you are shepherding a flock (i.e. at DisneyLand), you can’t forget that you are shepherding individual lambs. Are they a son, or a daughter? Are they teething, or are they conniving the downfall of the empire? Are they needing a nap, or have they become possessed of a devil? Did you make a major life change that’s effecting them, or are they really just being a monster of iniquity?

Here’s a scenario, one child, call him Reggie, is misbehaving. Mom and dad are pulling out their hair to figure out how to corral him. They start to bicker about the approach, they air their complaints about him and each other in front of his siblings. Then one of the other children makes a loud noise, and her head is summarily bitten off. Mom and dad are the tail being wagged, and they’ll soon find the whole home is full of suspicion, and every square inch will be covered in eggshells. So, don’t discipline the whole family for one child’s “squirreliness”. You’ve failed to pave the way for the one child to be restored to fellowship, and as a result, the whole family is prepping for WW3.

Another angle here is that it is quite important that you don’t import stresses from work, marriage, or extended family into the atmosphere of your home. You are working to have an immune system capable of combating any toxin that comes from within or without. Dads, this means that on the drive home from work you need to put all the projects in the briefcase and leave them there, so that when you walk through the door you are breath of refreshment for your wife and your children feel solid beams of joy radiating from you. Cast all your cares upon Christ, and then walk into your home to cast cheerful love upon your family.

Moms, this means not anxiously complaining. Don’t whine to your children about your children whining. If you’re fatigued and feeling like Bilbo Baggins once said, “butter scraped over too much bread,” the kids shouldn’t be able to pick up on it. This is the work God gave you, so do it cheerfully. Clean up that mess of legos, again. Make the next meal. Do another load of laundry. Offer it all up in joyful worship. And husbands, make sure she gets good long Sabbath afternoon naps.

When parents grump about the headaches of their work, or friction with the neighbors, or tiffs with the in-laws, you are sending a message about how your children should face off against their rivals. Your showing them that when they butt heads with their siblings that griping and blame-shifting and envy are fair play. Instead of an aroma of joy, you’re cooking up a stench of strife (Ecc. 4:6).

A Potpourri of Joy

This is all about joy. Fellowship flows out of joy. If we look at 1 John 1:3-4, we see this truth ready at hand: “That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ. And these things write we unto you, that your joy may be full.”

This fellowship with the Father, through the Son, is the only means of Christian fellowship. This apostolic witness of our union with Christ is proclaimed so that joy brims over; so that your home is full of the sort of belly laughter that lasts until your cheeks hurt.

One of the key indicators that a marriage or a family is going sideways is if there is no more joking. The solution isn’t to buy a better joke book. Broken fellowship results in every interaction being poisoned, and the entire home will slowly be paralyzed. The Proverbs 31 woman , however, laughs at the days to come. 

Is your home riddled with anxiety? Is it full of back-biting, arguing, joyless interactions? Is it marked by rivalry, envy, and contention? Is fellowship broken? Then first things first: look to Christ on the cross. Your sins are forgiven. Then take stock, and find where you have sinned against members of your family, and go ask forgiveness. Remember that forgiveness is the promise to not remember the others’ faults against them.

This is the valve which makes joyful fellowship possible. When the Gospel is embraced within your home, you can interact with each other without dancing gingerly around the mutually agreed upon landmines. The Gospel starts disabling all the trip-wires of bitterness, envy, rivalry, and strife.

God invites us into fellowship with Him. He is joy. Bright, burning Joy. We partake of Him each Lord’s day, and then He produces fruit in us. Remember that joy is a fruit of God’s Spirit, which is the result of fellowship with the vine. Your home is the frontlines of the battle. You will be a blunt blade, and the munitions you fire will be duds, if fellowship is not maintained. How do you maintain fellowship?

Look to Christ. Forgive your brothers. Laugh at the days to come. 

Sweep Up the Eggshells

Sweep Up the Eggshells

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One of the most distinguishing symptoms that a marriage has an infection of bitterness is that they have lost the ability to be playful. Instead, they bite and devour each other (Gal. 5:15). Every look is suspect. Every remark has a sharp edge to it. Every comment carries a sting. Every action is questioned. Every motive is suspected of nefariousness.

The eggshells cover every square inch of the marriage. Decisions about money, sex, the kids, work, in-laws, and what to have for supper are booby-trapped with trip wires which will set off another round of argument. And every argument is like a deep sea dredge which pulls up the rotting skeletons of unresolved offenses.

The insidious nature of social media, however, lets a couple post smiley, sunny pictures to keep up appearances; while the bitterness festers within the home like a boil in need of lancing. And again, there is no playfulness.

Now, I don’t mean that they never play Scrabble or Uno. I mean there is no laughing together, about each other, with each other, with no hint of animus. The fire of laughter can’t catch fire because everything is drenched in resentment. So they sit in the dripping rain of grumpiness, discontentment, and seething rage. There is no warmth between them. No shared jokes. No playfulness.

Solomon exhorts us to “Live joyfully with thy wife (Ecc. 9:9).” As well as to “rejoice in the wife of thy youth (Pro. 5:18).” The later passage is much more sexual in context (cf Pro. 5:19); however, a marriage in which sexual intercourse is in the context of a joyless, resentment filled marriage, is likely to be anything but a rejoicing in one’s wife. Solomon also demonstrates (in his famous love poem of Song of Songs) that lovers see each other everywhere and in everything from flocks of sheep, to towers, from pomegranates, to piles of wheat.

Paul teaches husbands to “love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:19).” This could also be rendered as, “do not be a source of bitterness”; or don’t be embittering/exasperating.” This follows Paul telling wives to submit to their own husbands (Col. 3:18).

So if you are asking yourself “Where did all the joy and playfulness go in our marriage?” I’d bet that it is because the husband has been being an embittering lunkhead, and the wife has been a stubborn rebel. What should be done? If you are fed up with the eggshells, sweep them up by asking forgiveness for all your sins against your spouse. Which is why, I believe Paul precedes his instructions to wives and husbands (and then children and servants Col. 3:20-25) by insisting on forgiving and forbearance as the culture of Christian community (Col. 3:13).

When your conscience is clean, and your offenses are all forgiven or passed over, you can tease one another. Joke about how she leaves the cupboard doors open. Jest about how he forgot to put the slippers away again. Laugh at each other’s ridiculousnesses (I think that’s a new word I just invented). Rejoice in each other. Live joyfully with each other. Flirt with each other. Because your sins against each other are forgiven. Because your mistakes and forgotten chores are overlooked with forbearance and patience. You dance with each other while sweeping up the eggshells. You are playful, because you love her, and she respects you. The husband is a source of joy to the wife, and she is his glory and crown.

If that isn’t the case in your marriage, start with the eggshells right in front of you. Ask for forgiveness for today’s offenses, without demanding that your spouse grovel before you in return, or resenting them if they don’t seek forgiveness for their offenses against you. Give the gift of humble reconciliation.

Ben Zornes