Syracuse, NY –– A recent study published in the Journal of Academic Waste of Tax-Payer Funded Studies found that the number of hand clap emojis in a single social media post was correlative to how progressive the user was. In one instance, a Twitter user with the hashtags #Resist #Bluewave #MeToo #NeverAgain #TimesUp #SupportPP in their bio was found to have a H.C.E.P.T.A. (Hand-clap Emoji per Tweet Average) of 78.994. The researchers measure H.C.E.P.T.A. by taking the total number of hand-clap emojis used and dividing it by the number of tweets. The previously mentioned twitter user had tweeted over 600 times and had used the hand-clap emoji over 47,000 times. Vanessa Brockstein, professor of 21st century Women Studies at Syracuse University, led the research team who produced this study. When interviewed about the findings of this study she commented, “It [the hand-clap emoji] is a really profound symbol of resistance and defiance of patriarchy, toxic masculinity, and plastic straws.”The study also showed that the H.C.E.P.T.A. for the average social media user who supported Trump (which the study referred to as “MAGA trolls”), was 4.001. “It’s uncanny,” Brockstein stated, “The algorithm would spit out the user’s H.C.E.P.T.A., and then we could, without fail, be able to tell whether it was a MAGA troll or a feminist ally.” The researchers have requested additional tax-dollars to fund a similar study to research whether there is a similar predictive correlation between the praise-hands emoji and white, evangelical women on Instagram.
San Fransisco, CA
While some websites like Ancestry.com and 23andme.com offer DNA testing to reveal your ethnic heritage, WhatsMyGender.com takes a different approach, and it is quickly growing in popularity. Danae Somerset, a trans-woman who identifies as pansexual, but also at one point identified as asexual, sings the praises of this new Gender Identity service, “I have explored so many different gender identities, but none of them felt right, and I always just wished there was some way, to like, really know what my gender was.”
Ze (the preferred pronoun Danae goes by) was overjoyed when ze discovered WhatsMyGender.com. “I immediately stopped writing a Facebook post on micro-aggressions from the Patriarchy, and ordered my DNA testing kit from them for such a reasonable $99.” Within a few days ze received the kit, filled up the vial with zir saliva, and within days was emailed the results. “I was giddy with excitement, and felt waves of self-discovery wash over me as I found out that I was male. There it was, XY chromosomes, meaning I’m a man.”
Danae has now embraced his newfound gender identity, and has changed his name back to what his parents named him: Dan. He is now going by cis-male gender pronouns. Alan Fagan, CEO of WhatsMyGender.com, told reporters that they are getting stories like this everyday from satisfied customers. “This is really the cutting edge of what the implications are for DNA,” he said. “There’s nothing quite like the closure that you get from finally knowing, for certain, your gender. It is like landing at your destination, after a trip of self-discovery.”
At this point, WhatsMyGender.com has only received a very few negative reviews. One in particular was disappointed to discover that there were really only two genders. “I feel like this is false advertising,” the reviewer said, “We’ve been told we can be whatever we want, and now we find out that there’s only two genders, man, this is so paradox shifting.”