The Sin of Unduly Delaying Marriage

Introduction

Yes. It is a sin to unduly delay getting married.

I want to argue that needlessly delaying marriage is a violation of the seventh commandment’s prohibition against adultery. Lest you think I am just a wild-eyed prophet, howling in the wilderness, let me hasten to add that this is straight down the middle teaching from the  Westminster Catechism. Here is the larger catechism’s teaching on it:

“The sins forbidden in the seventh commandment, besides the neglect of the duties

required, are […] entangling vows of single life, undue delay of marriage, […]”

The Duties Required

The WLC, in its teachings on the 10 Commandments does something truly helpful. It doesn’t just tell us what not to do, it explains positively what the Lord expects of us. With each “don’t” the Lord also reveals to us a “do”. Often, the “don’t” is the bent version of the “do”. 

So, let me highlight what some of the duties are that the seventh commandment assumes for us “chastity in body, mind, affections, words, and behavior; and the preservation of it in ourselves and others.”

Let me define the word chastity, which has become a rather uncommon word. In Biblical usage, the word often translated as chaste is closely related to the word for “holy”. The word itself comes down to us from the Latin word which means “separate”. The idea as applied to our sexuality is that it is quite plain that our sexuality is intended to be singular. In other words, your sexuality has a purpose, and that purpose is only found in covenantal pleasure and fruitfulness. To be sexually singular, i.e. set apart, is not just a matter for our body, but the catechism says this is to be maintained in our thoughts, desires, conversations, and actions. And here is where it puts a finger on the same nerve I put my finger on to start with. You are not only to endeavor to preserve your own chastity, but you are obliged to preserve it in others as well. 

Our Culture, or what’s left of it…

We are in the throes of a culture, or what’s left of it, that has treated the deferral of marriage as if it is a personal choice with zero cultural implications; in popular thought, deferring marriage might have the same impact as deciding not to brush your teeth. 

But it is quite evident that, having run that play for a few decades, the society-wide deferral of marriage has been profoundly devastating. It has not led to a more godly culture, but a devilish one. In accepting that marriage can be delayed not as an isolated case of unfortunate circumstances, but as a common practice for young people, we have not guarded the chastity of ourselves or others. Instead of chastity, we have tolerated rampant sexual sins, spreading out like a spider web in all direction, amongst a generation of perpetual singles. This is neither good for the individual or showing love to our neighbors. 

The average age of marriage has risen from ~20 to ~30 since the 1950s. Instead of marriage functioning as the entrance into adult life, it is treated as an eventual stop along the road of self-actualization. We have deferred adulthood and its responsibilities, and it is no wonder our culture has been Disney-fied. In place of labors directed toward the glory of God and the good of our neighbor, our labors are increasingly spent on perpetual vacationing, entertainment, and various dissolutions (gambling, drugs, OnlyFans, prostitution). 

Therefore, unless you have the gift of celibacy, the duty to marry is not a matter of personal convenience. It is a matter of community obedience to the duties of preserving chastity which the Lord, in giving the seventh commandment, expects of us.

The Sin Itself

I’ve already pointed out that breaking the seventh commandment includes neglecting the positive duties implied in the command, but I want to zero in on the two particular ways the command against adultery is broken by roaming singleness.

First notes the phrase in the Catechism about the sin of the entangling vows of single life. This is in reference to the vows of celibacy found in the Roman Catholic Church. Many were ensnared into thinking that the life of singleness was a holier form of life, and so took vows of celibacy and were unable to maintain them, thus heaping unto themselves condemnation and guilt. But the danger in our circles is that of prioritizing the development of one’s career, sacrificing marriage and childhood on the altar of corporate profits. 

Second, this sort of mis-prioritization leads to the sin we are focussed on this evening: unduly delaying marriage. Now, notice the generosity in that phrase: unduly delaying. It is not a sin to be single, it is a sin to unduly delay it. This delay can be brought about through a whole array of sinful pursuits, attitudes, and actions.

Your sexuality was made to glorify God in the context of a covenant marriage. There are exceptions to this, but they are rare. It is not good for man to be alone; nor is it good for woman to be alone. The companionship of marriage is the fundamental building block of human society, and to dispense with that is to dispense with civilization. It’s like a nuclear plant thinking it can dispense with the whole cooling the control rods.

The Solution

Now, I’ve pointed out the problem. You might be wondering, what’s the solution. As the saying goes, “Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem.” Joking aside, I want to offer three things that both sexes ought to do to address this problem, and then three things each particular for young men and young women.

1. Honor marriage – it is a positive good, and is the clearest parable of Christ and the church.
2. Don’t despair – while waiting for God to provide a spouse, you must wait with expectant faith. 
3. Take captive all secular lines of thought regarding marriage and sex. Some examples of this thinking would be: everyone deserves a 10, even if they are a 4; 

Young Men

1. Be busy with a God-glorifying mission (i.e. rigorous in your studies, work, and Spiritual disciplines).
2. Do not be given to excess – this means no drunkenness, no porn, no sleeping in, no flabbiness, no debt.
3. After about 25yo, if you have not asked a girl out on a date, you need to do so until one says yes. If there are no available women in your circle, ask for help from friends, church community, and family to expand that circle. This will mean needing to be ready to make some concessions on what your ideal wife would be. Even in these concessions, make sure to seek godly counsel on such concessions.

Young Women

1. Be particular but not picky. You are allowed three non-negotiables: he is a sincere Christian, he is not already married (or sexually profane), and he treats his mom with respect. Remember that the glory of young men is their strength, and oftentimes they are still learning to harness that strength. A godly life is the principle earthly means whereby a strong young man’s strength is directed toward the ends of building civilization.
2. Actively cultivate both feminine virtues (nurture, hospitality, meekness, tranquility), and glories (i.e. beauty, charm, and fitness – your husband should be able to pick you up).
3. After 25yo, you need to make sure you are putting yourself in the sort of circles where godly young men can find & pursue you. Do not do this in isolation. Ask friends, family, and church community for help; and returning to my first point, do not be overly picky. Just as loved women become lovelier, respected men become more respectable.

Conclusion

The dating landscape is a minefield, and for that you have my compassion. It really is a messy moment. But do not make it messier by justifying complacency, excuse making, or inaction on your part. Sometimes, the wait for a spouse drags on longer than you may desire, and the temptations toward a cynical complacency will set in. This is why the grumpy old bachelor and crabby old spinster trope are accurate. Marriage is not the chief end of man, but we should hasten to add that the world will end to the ringing of wedding bells.