forgiveness

Sweep Up the Eggshells

July 9, 2020 By Ben Zornes Leave a Comment

One of the most distinguishing symptoms that a marriage has an infection of bitterness is that they have lost the ability to be playful. Instead, they bite and devour each other (Gal. 5:15). Every look is suspect. Every remark has a sharp edge to it. Every comment carries a sting. Every action is questioned. Every motive is suspected of nefariousness.

The eggshells cover every square inch of the marriage. Decisions about money, sex, the kids, work, in-laws, and what to have for supper are booby-trapped with trip wires which will set off another round of argument. And every argument is like a deep sea dredge which pulls up the rotting skeletons of unresolved offenses.

The insidious nature of social media, however, lets a couple post smiley, sunny pictures to keep up appearances; while the bitterness festers within the home like a boil in need of lancing. And again, there is no playfulness.

Now, I don’t mean that they never play Scrabble or Uno. I mean there is no laughing together, about each other, with each other, with no hint of animus. The fire of laughter can’t catch fire because everything is drenched in resentment. So they sit in the dripping rain of grumpiness, discontentment, and seething rage. There is no warmth between them. No shared jokes. No playfulness.

Solomon exhorts us to “Live joyfully with thy wife (Ecc. 9:9).” As well as to “rejoice in the wife of thy youth (Pro. 5:18).” The later passage is much more sexual in context (cf Pro. 5:19); however, a marriage in which sexual intercourse is in the context of a joyless, resentment filled marriage, is likely to be anything but a rejoicing in one’s wife. Solomon also demonstrates (in his famous love poem of Song of Songs) that lovers see each other everywhere and in everything from flocks of sheep, to towers, from pomegranates, to piles of wheat.

Paul teaches husbands to “love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:19).” This could also be rendered as, “do not be a source of bitterness”; or don’t be embittering/exasperating.” This follows Paul telling wives to submit to their own husbands (Col. 3:18).

So if you are asking yourself “Where did all the joy and playfulness go in our marriage?” I’d bet that it is because the husband has been being an embittering lunkhead, and the wife has been a stubborn rebel. What should be done? If you are fed up with the eggshells, sweep them up by asking forgiveness for all your sins against your spouse. Which is why, I believe Paul precedes his instructions to wives and husbands (and then children and servants Col. 3:20-25) by insisting on forgiving and forbearance as the culture of Christian community (Col. 3:13).

When your conscience is clean, and your offenses are all forgiven or passed over, you can tease one another. Joke about how she leaves the cupboard doors open. Jest about how he forgot to put the slippers away again. Laugh at each other’s ridiculousnesses (I think that’s a new word I just invented). Rejoice in each other. Live joyfully with each other. Flirt with each other. Because your sins against each other are forgiven. Because your mistakes and forgotten chores are overlooked with forbearance and patience. You dance with each other while sweeping up the eggshells. You are playful, because you love her, and she respects you. The husband is a source of joy to the wife, and she is his glory and crown.

If that isn’t the case in your marriage, start with the eggshells right in front of you. Ask for forgiveness for today’s offenses, without demanding that your spouse grovel before you in return, or resenting them if they don’t seek forgiveness for their offenses against you. Give the gift of humble reconciliation.

Weeding Up Bitterness

January 8, 2019 By Ben Zornes Leave a Comment

Just like you took the empty toy boxes and ripped-up wrapping paper to the curb, it’s likely that some relational housekeeping is in order. Family gatherings can often be a petrie dish for bitterness. Bitterness is a rapid-growing weed, and offenses new and old, perceived and real, big and small are the seeds. If you aren’t vigilant, the cheerful moments and memories will soon be overgrown with spiritual kudzu, like a ’67 pick-up truck in a Tennessee front yard.

Bitterness is a thug. It drags your opinion of the person you are holding a grudge against into your mental alley, and proceeds to internally pummel the living daylights out of them. The bruised and bloodied image of them that’s left, hides all that person’s traits which are praiseworthy, commendable, and for which you should be grateful.

There are certain people in our life who always manage to find a way to push our buttons, rubbing us the wrong way. If a certain person just came to mind, you need to get busy with the hard, but God-honoring, work of reconciliation. Have they truly offended you? Or are you simply refusing to be long-suffering towards them? Have you really been hurt, or was it just that your pride and selfishness were exposed? For every one of their faults, can you make a list of ten of their virtues for which you are (or should be) grateful?

But what of their offenses, faults, and annoying idiosyncrasies? If they’re a Christian, imagine what they’d be like without the sanctifying Spirit of Christ at work within them. If they aren’t a Christian, forgiveness, patience, long-suffering, and forbearance are going to be one of the primary ways which you will be demonstrating the Gospel which you should be sharing with them.

More than Just Forgiveness

July 16, 2018 By Ben Zornes Leave a Comment

Introduction

Certain people have the uncanny ability to drive you crazy. It’s tempting to box them out of our lives, so we won’t have to deal with their antics. Forgiving someone again & again is an unappealing course of action as it means they’ve offended you again & again. However, there’s someone you’re very good at forgiving & treating with great delicacy even though they’re a good-for-nuthin’ scoundrel. That someone? Yourself!

The Text

Matthew 18:21-35

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

Summary of the Text

After teaching on the process for progressively rebuking a brother who has sinned against you (Mt. 18:15-20), Peter raises the question of how many times should an offending brother be forgiven…“seven times (v.21)?” Jesus’ response shows that keeping a scorecard of your brother’s offenses is contrary to the true spirit of forgiveness. The number he gives is clearly meant to indicate that you’re to forgive your brother regardless of the number of times he offends (v.22). These numbers hearken back to the vengeance protections against Cain & Lamech (cf. Gen. 4:15 & 23-24).

Jesus illustrates with a parable in three scenes. The first episode is that of a king taking account & forgiving a servant who begged for clemency; even though he owed an insurmountable debt of 10,000 talents (vs.23-27). It would take 20 years for a day-laborer to earn 1 talent. Thus, this servant owed the equivalent of 200,000 years of labor. We’re talking billions of dollars. The second episode sees this same servant hunting down a fellow-servant who owed him 100 days’ wages––not a negligible amount. The forgiven servant refuses to forgive his fellow-servant who was indebted to him. He throws him into prison until the debt is repaid (vs.28-30).

In the third episode, this news travels back to the king who––in great wrath––rebukes the pitiless servant, reverses his decision, & turns him over to tormentors until his debt is paid in full (vs. 31-34). Jesus’ concludes this parable by warning that His Father will do likewise unto those who do not––from the heart––forgive their brother (v. 35).

The Root of Our Forgiveness

We learn from this parable, that the Father, expects His forgiveness to be imitated. Paul’s epistles repeat this:

Ephesians 4:32

Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

Colossians 3:12-13

Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy & beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, & forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

The root of our forbearance (i.e. patience) & forgiveness of each other is rooted in the Gospel of Christ’s forgiveness of us. The implication in the parable is that our debt to God can’t be “worked off.” Our only hope is gracious forgiveness.

The “imitative” quality of our earthly forgiveness carries boulder-sized ramifications. Imitating God’s forgiveness means that an unbeliever is incapable of truly forgiving as they are unable to imitate God without the new birth. It also means that a child of God who refuses to forgive is going to be all tied up in knots because they have clearly not grasped how great a debt God has forgiven them.

A Variety of Pseudo-Forgiveness

While we must hold one doctrine firmly––that our salvation is secure––we must hear the profound warning which Christ attaches to unforgiveness.

Matthew 6:12, 14-15

And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. […] For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

As Jay Adams shrewdly pointed out: “Refusal to forgive is a decision for vengeance.” Since our forgiveness is imitative of Christ’s forgiveness, unforgiveness indicates a lack of grasping what the Father has done for you. Man always connives to avoid God’s clear command for seeking & giving forgiveness. Christ’s warning about unforgiveness should make us wary of “wild-flowers of forgiveness” that look pretty from a distance, but are, in fact, destructive weeds.

First, modern psychology treats forgiveness therapeutically. You endeavor to drudge up forgiveness-feelings in order to feel better about yourself. In this approach, reconciliation is of no concern. Along this vein, we often think we need to search for forgiveness feelings before forgiving. Biblically, forgiveness is a promise, an act of the will to “remember not” (cf. Ps. 79:8). Forgetting is passive, whereas “remembering not” is active.

A second imposter is the common apology. “I’m sorry” is different from “I was wrong, please forgive me.” Apologizing is offering a defense not seeking forgiveness.

Sweeping things under the rug is a third pseudo-forgivness. This is just loveless apathy. If you truly would imitate Christ, you must not let things slide, but address them for the sake of the relationship. In fact, this opens to us operate in the realm of objective truth rather than subjective feelings. Ken Sande summarizes this well, “Forgiveness is not excusing. Forgiveness is the exact opposite of excusing. The very fact that forgiveness is needed & granted indicates that what someone did was wrong & inexcusable.”

A Glory Beyond Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not an end in & of itself; it is a means unto something far grander. The arc of all history shows that God’s aim in redeeming mankind is more than merely forgiving him for his crimes in Eden; God is preparing a Garden City whose glory outshines the sun. God is restoring what was lost in Eden, but in an incomprehensibly glorified way.

In our earthly relationships, this means that merely forgiving the offense is not the end goal. A restored & glorified relationship is the goal. In essence, forgiveness is a means to a more glorious marriage, friendship, relationship.

All the various weeds of pseudo-forgiveness––which are all of the genus known as bitterness––will quickly overshadow & strangle the fruits of grace. Thus, keeping short accounts with your fellow-servants is vital for the health of the garden of your life. Bitterness would turn your garden into an eyesore. Redemptive grace takes your garden & glorifies it into a full-fledged farm with a gourmet restaurant.

When we forgive the 100 pence our brother owes us, our imitation of what God has forgiven us is on display. In this way, you not only enjoy the blessings of a restored relationships & clear consciences; you also enjoy the great privilege of displaying to the onlooking world the reconciliation found in the Gospel: God the Father reconciling Himself with fallen man through Christ. We mustn’t forget: our overarching aim––in forgiving our brother––is glorifying God.

Morality is Compulsory

May 29, 2018 By Ben Zornes Leave a Comment

At the Sound of the Sackbut

Thousands of Starbucks are closing down today in order that their employees might––at the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer––fall down and worship the false god that Secularism the king hath set up. “Now, now,” you might say, “Starbucks is only doing mandatory racial sensitivity training for their employees, there aren’t any idols here!”

Let me change the scenario in an effort to show the hypocrisy of progressivism, and the inescapability of the morality that flows from what we worship. Say that Chic-Fil-A closed down a large portion of their stores in order to train their employees in the biblical view of marriage––i.e. one man and one woman, monogamous for life. Do you imagine that virtue signalers everywhere would </praise hands emoji>? Would they # their approval of Chic-Fil-A’s moral leadership and initiative? Do you think Buzzfeed would run an article, “Chic-Fil-A raising awareness for monogamous marriage is so adorbs, we can’t even”?

Mind you, if Chic-Fil-A required their employees to undergo a day of morality training, New York would feel invaded. The ladies on The View would be in––what my Grandma always called it––a tizzy. Jimmy Kimmel wouldn’t put any funny jokes in his nightly ~~lecture~~ monologue. We would hear all about the intolerance, the heavy-handed “preachy-ness” of what Chic-Fil-A was doing, how they were shoving their views down their employees’ throat.

Guilty Without A Trial

But make no mistake, this is precisely what Starbucks is doing today. Granted, it is Starbucks’ prerogative––as a private company––to run their company as they see fit. However, we must not be naïve here. The “training” that will be given today will not be starting with “If you’d turn in your Bibles…!” Rather, the priests of secularism will hand out their packets to the circle of disciples, and intone on the evils of white privilege, how damaging micro-aggressions are, and how guilty everyone needs to feel for Western Culture. The employees who called the police in the first place––who probably were a bit too trigger happy in making that call––have now brought down the wrath of the gods on all of Starbucks’ employees, and all must pay penance in order to appease.

Take your local Starbucks barista––let’s name him Tony––a mop-heaired college student who remembers your order most days, makes corny jokes, and hums Queen ballads while getting your Frappucino ready. He grew up in north Missouri, is pursuing veterinary medicine at the local state college, and has never been biased toward other ethnicities. He is going to be reprimanded for “implicit biases” he never knew he had. Further, he’ll be given material that explains what his moral framework should be making as it regards interacting with other ethnicities. He will be treated as guilty, without any sort of trial, and made to make amends for crimes he did not commit.

Worship & Morality Go Hand in Hand

We see in this that whatever an individual or group worship, will always influence their moral framework and behavior. The NFL has made it clear that they believe Nationalism should take center stage, and are requiring their employees to pay dutiful homage to the “Stars & Bars,” suppressing any other moral framework that would offend Nationalistic ardor (or perhaps to be more accurate: the bottom line).

Humans are moral beings, and we cannot escape the impulse to define right from wrong. The fall has, of course, rendered our moral judgement rather cloudy. We think we can willy-nilly define good and evil based on the standards of our own preferences and judgement. The reality is, however, that moral right and wrong are not in our purview to define. Wisdom and judgment come from above. Good and evil are not ours to define. We are to learn right from wrong from God and His revealed will, found in His Word. Starbucks is not doing something morally neutral here. They are making it clear that justice and morality must be taught, but they are turning to progressive & marxist categories to define and describe.

If you worked for Starbucks, today it would fall to you to stand upright and not attend the worship service unto Secular values. Today you should pull a Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. This isn’t about addressing the sin of racism. If it was, Starbucks would have invited Al Mohler, John Piper, Tim Keller, or Voddie Baucham to preach a sermon from Scripture outlining why racism is sinful, and how the answer is found in repentance and trust in Christ for forgiveness of our sins and reconciliation with each other. Christians who are interested in racial reconciliation must stop letting people who don’t love Jesus define the standards for how we deal with sins between various ethnic groups.

Finally, Jesus is the only way out of the messes we humans make. When we look with a dark eye towards our fellow human it is because we have reduced Jesus to merely a moral teacher amongst moral teachers; His opinion is set on the equal with the opinions of our own sinful hearts. Jesus is not a moral teacher, He is the Messiah and thus, the moral standard which condemns all of our hatred, strife and enmity towards our fellow man. It is only in Him that we will find grace to bend the sword of racial animosity into the sickle. We should not applaud when the secularists and the humanists fall down in worship of Nebuchadnezar’s statue.

Remember, secular morality is nothing other than works righteousness. It believes man can save himself. It believes that if we have enough training, we can deal with sin in the human heart. It cannot be done, and that Idol is turned to dust by the Rock of Ages. Morality flows from what we worship. If we would have truly moral morality, we must forsake the false gods which we are being instructed to pay homage to.

By the way… for the record, Chic-Fil-A closes down one day, every week, in order to teach their employees about morality.

The Prodigal’s Grumbling Brother

March 21, 2017 By Ben Zornes 1 Comment

In the famous parable of the prodigal son, we often forget that the primary audience which Jesus aims this story at is grumbling Pharisees and Scribes. “Then drew near unto him all the publicans and sinners for to hear him. And the Pharisees and scribes murmured, saying, This man receiveth sinners, and eateth with them (Luk 15:1-2).” Jesus flies to the defense of his ministry to the worst of sinners, by telling three parables, ending in the prodigal son’s story.

A few things are profound in the story. First, the son, in demanding his inheritance is essentially demanding that his relationship with his father be as if his father were dead. He not only desires a dead relationship with his father, but he also flees to a far country (Lk. 15:13), as far from his father & family as can be. The second remarkable thing is the fact that this jewish boy ends up eating the slop of the unclean pigs, and it is in this position of the lowest point that he remembers that even the servants in his father’s household were better off than he was.

The third thing to remark upon is that in his return to the father, his father reinstates him to the household. A robe, a ring, shoes, a celebration feast all accompany the prodigal son’s return. But it is this lavish display of restoration to the household that causes the elder brother to grumble. The father’s entreaty to the older son is that everything the father has was his (Lk. 15:31)! The Israelites were, in fact, the people of God in this earth, and technically speaking, the earth was theirs. They ought to have rejoiced to see the Messiah come and restore the prodigal nations into the family of God.

But the pride of being comparatively more righteous, grows quickly in the wreckage and ashes of the younger brothers sins. As a result, the older brother was very much in danger of missing the celebration, and insisted on staying outside the house (Lk. 15:28). Yes, Jesus gives this parable as comfort to the worst of sinners that they are welcomed back into the family of God through repentance. But it is primarily aimed at the self-righteous, who are aghast that God would not only forgive sinners, but not hold their sins against them, restoring them to their former estate of sons.

Even the Sins

February 22, 2017 By Ben Zornes Leave a Comment

Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins. Proverbs 10:12

A few things to be observed about this verse. Where hatred is in the heart, strife is in the community. Hatred is unable to overlook faults, flaws, differences, and takes offense at just about everything. An unregenerate heart is necessarily a heart that seethes with hatred for God, and therefore towards his fellow man as well.

This is the exact opposite of the two greatest commandments, to love God and love thy neighbor (Mt. 22:36-40). If we do not love God–as an unregenerate man is unable to–we will also be unable to love our neighbor. Because the sinful heart is at enmity with God (Rom. 8:7, 1 Cor. 2:14, Col. 1:21), it is necessarily at odds with his neighbor, who bears the image of God.

In our disobedience, we hate God and we do not love our neighbor as ourself, we hate our neighbor, and abhor him. We are locked in a struggle for what we perceive as scarce resources, and because we are insatiable in our lustful passions and appetites, inevitably someone else will be reaching for the very thing our lusts crave. It will pit us against our fellow man, and therefore we will want to expose his every weakness, to remove him as an opponent. This isn’t living in peaceful fellowship. This is a meat-grinder mentality towards our neighbor, chewing each other up, and spitting each other out.

Love not only overlooks immaturities and social quirks of others, which is what we as humans are accustomed to do anyway, but it even passes over the sins of others; not holding them against each other.But notice how the proverb sets hatred and love at variance with each other. Hatred results in a community divided. Love, on the other hand, covers over all sins. Love not only overlooks immaturities and social quirks of others, which is what we as humans are accustomed to do anyway, but it even passes over the sins of others; not holding them against each other. Sin rips a community apart; love binds it together. I can get along with someone’s immaturities and idiosyncrasies, but forgiving and covering over sins is something that is a grace that must be given to us. Only God can forgive sins, and only God’s love through us can result in this sort of disposition towards dealing with the sins of others we are to be in fellowship & community with.

This means we are in need of a new heart, given to us by God. Love enables us to forgive, and cover over the sins and failures of others. Notice this doesn’t redefine sin as somehow “not sin“; but it means that there is now something beyond retribution for wrong-doings. Now there is a redemptive twist in the story; reconciliation is possible. And only because God poured out his wrath for sin upon His son, and in so doing, covered over the sins of the redeemed; demonstrating His great love for his elect. We are to follow his example, and our hatred for sins against us should find its satiation in Christ’s death; and what is left is a supernatural love which seeks redemption and reconciliation, and that covers over all sins.