Ben Zornes

Living and Dying to Show the Preciousness of Christ

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The Nuts & Bolts of the Birds & the Bees

The Nuts & Bolts of the Birds & the Bees

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Each parent knows the time will arrive when they will need to have a certain delicate discussion with their child. There might be a sense of dread and foreboding as you think about having the birds and the bees talk with your kids. A Christian parent knows that it is their duty to teach their child about such things, but they might secretly wish that somehow it could be more like an overnight software update. I’d like to offer a word of counsel as to how to go about having this discussion with your kids.

First of all, it is important to go ahead and correct something I said in the previous paragraph. I referred to a singular discussion. This is one of the most common errors that many parents make in regards to teaching their kids about sex and intercourse. It shouldn’t be a singular discussion. Rather, I would like to propose that you should approach this topic as if you were building a pyramid.

In their early years (probably between 1-3yo) you need to help your child know what their private parts are called and, more importantly, that they are private. Two things are worth underscoring here. First, You ought not to use nicknames or code words for the private parts, as predators commonly will use code words so as deny culpability. If little Jimmy says, “Uncle Bob asked if he could touch my weeny,” Uncle Bob can simply laugh it off and say, “No, I was joking about stealing his hot dog.” Second, you are creating important categories for your little child: private/intimate & public.

This leads nicely into the next stage (roughly 1-5yo), which is to teach them right touching and wrong touching. Your child should learn to not allow anyone to touch his privates, be made to touch anyone else’s privates, nor any sort of showing or being shown privates. And of course, your child should be taught not to do such things to others. There are obvious exceptions, like a doctor’s visit, or a parent wiping a toddler; but those exceptions are very few. 

At a more superficial level, your children should not be obligated to give hugs or kisses (intimate actions) to anyone (even close family and friends) if they’d rather not. You need to teach them to kindly and cheerfully say, “No thank you” to such things. Now, if your child is standoffish towards everyone, that can become problematic on a different front. You do want them to be able to show appropriate affection in various relationships. To close family, quick hugs and kisses are generally appropriate. Physical affection towards the general public is what a kind smile is for, or a firm handshake, or a salute. Such things are all actions that are appropriate physical expressions of love, appreciation, or respect; Scripture encourages, and in some instances requires, these sort of respectful displays (Rom. 13:7, 2 Cor. 13:12). This is teaching them to order their loves rightly, while also teaching them that they do not need to nor ought they to give unquestioned physical affection to anyone who asks. That’s just setting yourself up for bigger headaches come their teen years.

After laying this groundwork, make sure to frequently reiterate these principles (6-10yo). After the foundation is laid, it is important to have a hawk-eyed readiness for taking advantage of circumstances that can provide the next layer of instruction. Here are some examples of teachable moments: perhaps it is someone wearing a skimpy bikini at the pool, or a couple at the playground who really ought to get a hotel room, or maybe it is the transgender barista at a coffee shop. Those all are a “buy low sell high” opportunities to invest in your child’s understanding of sexuality. Explain why the immodest women is not necessarily ugly, but she is displaying her beauty in a manner that cheapens her beauty. Point out that the unmarried couple who can’t keep their hands off each other are disregarding the importance of marriage vows. 

Which reminds me of something I probably ought to have stated earlier on. Your marriage ought to be the model for your children to understand what intimacy is for. Your children ought to see both husband and wife pursuing and giving physical affection to each other. Kids need to understand that mom & dad have promised to only be “smoochy” with each other ’til death does them part. Explain what covenant vows are, and what you as their parents have vowed to each other. This really can be explained and exhibited pretty early on.

Now, as they near puberty, you need to be deliberately pursuing your child with information they will soon need to know and be aware of. The way you ought to approach this is not a one time information dump. If you read through the Proverbs after dinner you’ll come to the adulterous woman passage, and there you go, a segue into discussions about why intimate touch is only for one’s spouse. But never teach that without also explaining why intimacy is so good and glorious when it is kept within marriage, but quite dangerous outside it. There will be discussions that can be had as a family (like the aforementioned study of Proverbs); but other conversations ought to be more gender (and age) specific. Don’t explain menstruation and copulation to the toddler. Rather, as you intentionally discuss things with each individual child, it is crucial, in fact I think it might be the most crucial thing I will say in this post, to let them know two things. First, you ought to let them know that there are more things they will soon need to know but don’t need to know yet; and secondly, if they ever have any questions about anything they see or hear they are always welcome to ask you or your wife about it. With daughters it’s wise for a father and mother to be present for such moments.

Eventually, for most kids, sometime before puberty you will have furnished them with a sufficiently robust understanding of both the purpose and function of their sexuality. They need to understand that the desires which they have in that direction are not evil, in fact they are made by God and are to be enjoy unto His glory. It is the misuse of those desires, or directing them in unlawful ways (fornication, porn, homosexual, adultery, masturbation, etc.) which is sinful.

Thus, in their prepubescent days you are laying out a pyramid of understanding. Think of the capstone as their wedding night. You are preparing them to know their spouse. They should therefore understand what goes where, where babies come from, and why that should only take place in the circumference of marriage vows. Additionally, this means that your child should also realize, from pretty early on, that their future spouse is probably alive out there. Your kids should hear you pray for their future husband or wife. They should understand that their sexual desires are all for that end. Regularly blessing your children with Scriptural blessings provides a biblical fence around their fertility, “Children, may you be like abundant olive trees around my table.” They should have heard you pray for your “children’s children”, meaning their children. 

All of this should be done with love for your child, their future spouse, and your future grandchildren. You are a character in your child’s love story, so serve everyone involved by making it the sort of story that glorifies God all the way through. Approach these conversations with a matter of fact manner. In all this, it’s only awkward if you make it awkward.

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The Not At All Controversial Issue of Head Coverings

The Not At All Controversial Issue of Head Coverings

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Some Preliminaries

Since you can’t see me, typing away at this here article, it might help if I paint a picture for you. My tongue is firmly lodged in my cheek. Of course, my title is facetious. But I would like to take a few moments of your time, for which I am grateful, and put down some of my thoughts on the not at all controversial issue of head coverings.

Let me begin with a few preliminaries. I don’t want to broaden the issue, as the Anabaptists do by insisting that head coverings are to be required of a woman all the time. That is not my concern. My concern would be with the renaissance of the practice within Reformed circles. Those who encourage this practice, to their credit, confine the practice to public worship. The primary passage of Scripture which this debate revolves around, deals with public prayer and worship. It is striking that 1 Corinthians 11, the central text in question, goes from the issue of women needing to be covered to instructions for the Lord’s Supper. This helps us confine the issue to whether women are required by Scripture to cover their heads in public worship. I think that solving that narrow question answers the broader question of whether a woman should wear a perpetual covering. I am aiming to be deliberately narrow in my scope.

That’s regards the scope, now for the spirit. There are, in my mind, four basic approaches to this issue: affirmation out of conviction, affirmation out of corruption, denial out of corruption, and denial out of conviction. In other words, we are not dealing with a simple affirmation and denial spectrum, we also have a Y-axis of conviction and corruption. The human heart is crafty and we should remember that we can make ourselves look obedient while actually being disobedient. You may deny this position because you’ve been cool-shamed by modern culture. You may affirm it because you can’t grow a beard and you think all the theobros might look down on you so you make your wife wear a head-covering in order to increase your patriarchal bona fides. Such ungodly reasons, on both sides, are a real detriment to those on both sides who are sincerely aiming to obey Scripture as faithfully as possible.

Now for the last of my preliminaries. You’ve perhaps heard it said that for the Christian there are no problem passages. This means we should be unapologetic for what Scripture teaches. Along with this, we should freely admit, even as the Apostle Peter did, that sometimes in Scripture there “are some things hard to understand.” So, what Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 11:1-16 we are bound to believe, and then obey. But we should approach the application of this text with a warm charity towards our fellow saints, so that we do not become the divisive and self-absorbed gluttons of the very next passage (1 Cor. 11:17-22).

Heads All Topsy Turvy 

Now, let’s look at the passage.

Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you. But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Paul praises the Corinthians for remembering his prior teaching and keeping the ordinances as he had delivered them. He will use a very similar phrase when he moves on to rebuke their twisting of the Lord’s Supper (1 Cor. 11:23). But in bringing up head coverings he is addressing something he had not taught them previously (1 Cor. 5:9), but which had clearly become a point of confusion or compromise for them. He now takes the opportunity to address it. He grounds this issue in that of headship. Christ stands as the new head of mankind. In a similar manner, the man stands as the head of the woman (both in the singular). The last clause (the head of Christ is God) might take us off into trinitarian questions, but I follow Calvin in noting that Christ as mediator is inferior to the Father (Cf. Phil. 2:6). What we are grounded in, in this whole passage, is the propriety of our place in the cosmos. This is particularly important when discussing public prayer and worship as we see in the following passage:

Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head. But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven. For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.

It is reprehensible for a man to pray while his head is covered. By covering his head he dishonors his head (Christ). But for a woman to pray or prophesy with head uncovered she dishonors her head (the husband). This all is akin to head-shaving. A woman who refuses to cover her head with her glory, which is her hair, might as well shave her head entirely. This is an instance of Pauline hyperbolic rhetoric. For example, in Galatians Paul says that he desires that the pro-circumcisers, since they are so enthusiastic about circumcision, just go ahead and emasculate themselves. Paul argues here that if a woman does not want to be covered with her long hair let her get rid of her hair entirely. I realize I’m jumping ahead a bit, but to put my cards on the table I do take the covering spoken of here as being long and kempt hair. More on that later.

For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. 

It is vital to point out here that Paul is not saying that women are not the image of God. For one thing, the Greek phrase here (image and glory) is a different phrase than we find in the LXX of Genesis 1:26 (image and likeness). For a man to adopt a feminine glory (covering and/or long hair) is to abandon his duty to display the image and glory of God. As man in his position under Christ displays the image and glory of Christ, so too a wife displays the image and glory of her husband. Paul grounds this in the creation narrative. Eve came from Adam’s side and to be his helper, not vice versa.

Because of the Angels

For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels. Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of God.

The most cryptic line in this whole passage is, if understood rightly, a key which helps unlock the whole passage. A woman is to have “power on her head because of the angels.” This verse has fueled a whole cottage industry of outlandish perspectives on what this verse means, the weirdest one being that the angels might get a bit randy when they see women with uncovered heads. Such a notion is not worthy of serious consideration. If you hold to it your hard drives need to be confiscated. Remember the full context of this whole section: men and women praying and prophesying. In Christ, men and women are restored to their exalted role of dominion. As such, women are vicegerents of this new creation. The prayers of the saints are effectual; while the old creation was under the governance of angels, the angels are now employed in service to a Risen and Ascended Man. Therefore, the woman, in Christ, has authority in prayer and angels become servants of the prayers of the saints. Remember that eventually, we will sit in judgment upon the angels (1 Cor. 6:3). As the Old Covenant was passing away, the world to come (i.e. the New Creation which would be inaugurated in Christ’s coming in judgement on Jerusalem) would not be put under the authority of the angels but under Christ, and therefore man in Christ (Heb. 2:5-8).

Thus, a woman ought to not think of her place in the hierarchy as the lowest on the totem pole. She is not the head, but she is not the tail either. A woman’s prayers, to put a bit of a fine point on it, boss angels around. So if she refuses to wear long hair, and insists on being masculine in her appearance, rebelling against the natural ordering of the cosmos (as described earlier) she confounds the angels whom she is to exercise authority over. She has power (exousia) on her head. In Christ, woman is an authority, and angels must say, “Yes ma’am.” Far from subjugating women, the Gospel restores man and woman to their role as rulers of all creation. Angels are made subject unto Christ, and therefore are now cosmologically below women in the cosmological order of things. This is certainly mysterious and a bit beyond our depth to understand at present, but that is where things are headed. We shall judge the angels, after all.

A Bit About Bacchus

Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered? Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering. But if any man seem to be contentious, we have no such custom, neither the churches of God.

As I set out to write this, one argument began to commend itself to me. I take Paul’s instructions here to prohibit men from covering their heads to be an allusion to a practice of the cult of Bacchus, wherein men would place ivy laurels upon their head. These ivy coverings were deliberately intended to blur the lines between masculine and feminine. The god of wine invited the throwing off of all restraint, and embrace rebellion against order. Remember Paul’s warning a few chapters later for the worship of the church to be decent and in order. This would be a stark contrast to practices of the mystery cults, like the followers of Bacchus. 

Further, the maenads of Bacchus are well known for their disheveled appearance. Their hair was “loosed”. Corinthian women are depicted in artwork and literature as having their hair “done up”. Paul has dealt with the issue of meat sacrificed to idols (1 Cor. 8:1-13). After this passage he rebukes drunkenness and revelry at the Lord’s Supper (1 Cor. 11:17-34), and he will pump the brakes on ecstatic expressionism in the worship of the church (1 Cor 12-14). Both drunkenness and gibberish speech were common attributes of the frenzied rites of the Bacchus cult.

The Bacchus cult was present in Corinth as evidenced by the 2nd century “Mosaic of Bacchus in Corinth.” There he is portrayed with an ivy laurel, which can easily be seen as an artificial way for a short-haired man to have long-hair. The androgyny of the Bacchus cult is a feature and not an irrelevant detail.

Mosaic of Bacchus in Corinth, 2nd Century AD

Thus, as Paul argues, a woman’s long hair is a glory (11:16). This long hair is her covering. For a man to wear an artificial “wig” is to abandon his masculinity and therefore insult the ascent of Christ, the God-man, to His rightful cosmological place. For a woman to dishevel her hair, as if she were one of Bacchus’ frenzied maenads is to descend into shame and she might as well shave her head like Jewish law required of adulterous women. Paul invites the Corinthians to “judge whether it is comely” for a woman to pray with “uncovered/loosed/disheveled” hair. Our gut (nature) tells us this is icky, and it really is. The Medusa-vibe is inappropriate for the pews.

Paul’s last statement, about “having no such custom” seems to indicate that while various “hairstyles” might differ from city to city, the principle is that men must avoid effeminacy and woman must avoid dishevelment. And all of this is the case because we are made new creatures in Christ Jesus (2 Cor. 5:17).

Some Conclusions

A Greek caryatid showing what sort of hairstyle would have been common in 1st Century Corinth.

So then, I believe that godly women should nicely fix their long hair; this is particularly true when it comes to our corporate and public worship. This is the covering referenced in the passage. This is a woman’s sign of her submission to God, to Christ, to her husband; but it is also a sign of her present and eventual authority over cherubim and seraphim. Likewise, men should not be girly. A present day instance of this temptation would be young men who paint their fingernails. They may not be gay, but this practice is certainly gay, and is most certainly inappropriate for man to come before God with such a distorted view of masculine and feminine glories.

If you are “pro-head coverings” and are unpersuaded by my arguments here, fair enough. But I would counsel that you run a diagnostic on why you are adopting the practice of head covering. Is it merely to own the feminists? Is the husband really leading his wife well, or is the head covering actually covering other insecurities? If a woman wears a head covering on Sunday, but “wears the pants” at home you have proven that you have not embraced the cosmological order which Paul is actually arguing for in this passage. Nevertheless, if you come to the conviction that 1 Corinthians 11 is requiring a head covering other than long hair, my counsel is to talk with your pastor and elders about it before putting it into practice. Again, Paul’s line about “no such custom” seems to indicate some level of needing to take this issue case by case, or perhaps culture to culture.

Lastly, we live in an androgynous age that takes a perverse delight in emasculating the masculine and defiling the feminine. Our worship services should be a clear exhibition of masculine men and feminine wives. The men should stand tall, the women should be graceful. The men should sing bass and tenor, the women should sing alto and soprano. Men should offer each other firm handshakes, the women should greet each other with joyful hugs. The crisp suits and ties of the men should be contrasted with the flowy dresses of the women (and my wife informs me the dresses are even better if they have pockets). We are the redeemed of the Lord. We are the new creation of God. We are male and female in Christ, and it should be easy to tell the difference between the sexes. Our public worship really is potent, and thus if we get this right in the courts of Jehovah on Sunday, it will be a lot easier to spot sexual glory and shame on Tuesdays.

In Praise of the Serrated Edge

In Praise of the Serrated Edge

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Rhymes with Rug Gilson

I’ve been privileged to serve alongside of Pastor Doug Wilson now for almost a decade. One of the distinguishing marks of his ministry that I’ve only grown in appreciation for is his adept skill of saying true things in sticky ways. Many Evangelicals will pass around dog-eared copies of Future Men, Her Hand in Marriage, or Standing on the Promises, expressing appreciation for the practical Christian teaching found in them. But they will hasten to add, “I don’t agree with everything he says, and sometimes when he’s being polemical he says some things I wish he wouldn’t.”

But I’d like point out that the same skill that makes his teaching on practical Christian living so memorable and helpful is employed in his attack on various unbiblical teachings or ungodly opponents. The serrated edge, as he calls it, should not be thought of as an asterisk on an otherwise helpful teaching ministry. Rather, it is the serrated edge which has made it possible for his teaching ministry on things like parenting, marriage, and community life to flourish. Barbed wire around the ranch keeps the coyotes out, after all.

The principle in play here is that it is not an abdication of Scripture’s command to love our enemies to speak to them in such a way as to jostle their sensibilities, offend their vanities, and jar them out of their living at ease with evil. Wielding language in such a way as to make your point memorable is, in fact, a duty of ministers. This should be the case in crafting sermons, in how you counsel a failing marriage, and how you engage the enemies of the Gospel. In the case of the last example, it is actually an expression of love to not fight such enemies with a dull blade.

Like Cocaine Bear

Doug and others have made the case for the serrated edge elsewhere. Heck, Doug even wrote a book about it, which I heartily recommend. When we engage with opponents we are to do so like Christ. But Christ is not confined to a few sweet sayings. All of Scripture is our guidebook in how we are to fight evil, rhetorically speaking. And once you see it, you cannot help but see that the Prophets, Christ Himself, and the Apostles all, at times, spoke with all the delicacy of that one Tennessee bear that ate some cocaine. While Scriptural instances are numerous, my aim here is not to list out all the spicy rhetoric of Ezekiel. My point here is to simply insist that our sense of decency and politeness is not what should guide our apologetics, evangelism, or cultural rebuke. Scripture must.

So then, it shouldn’t surprise us when a sharp rebuke is actually more effective than nuanced evasions. A gentle answer does indeed turn away wrath. But we should remember that God’s gentleness includes tearing and smiting in order to heal and soothe. When in the course of our battles with vain philosophies we add an extra blob of jalapeño mustard, it is not simply out of preference. It is a particular act of faith and obedience. We must trust that in speaking bluntly we are aiming at the salvation of the enemies of the cross. Even in our bluntness, we ought to endeavor to say things in such a way so as to make that bluntness sticky.

Of Course it’s a Dangerous Tool

Now, it is worth pointing out that this tactic has dangers. But we could just as easily point out that the winsomeness of TGC has resulted in some pretty appalling abdications of truth. When anon accounts are blasting some opponent with vindictive ad hominem attacks they may think they are emulating Doug in his use of the serrated edge. But the problem is that the anon army has failed to demonstrate that their aim is restorative. They seem to take delight in having fiddled with the dial that controls their rhetorical serrated edge and can turn it up to 11. But just because you figured out how to start the chainsaw does not mean you are a skilled lumberjack. You may equally be a villain in one of those hokey Halloween movies.

So then, the serrated edge is not for children. Insolence is not the same as skillfully wounding an opponent in order that he would feel the smart. But the wound is not the point. The point is so that they might perhaps seek out the healing found in the left hand of the one who wounded them. Being good at insults doesn’t make you a Gospel warrior for truth and charity. Trolling people on the internet is child’s play. Meme-ing the boomers is low-hanging fruit. If you want to develop the skill of addressing folly and immaturity head on, start with your toddlers. If you want to realize a Christian Nation, start with a Christian marriage. These things require patience. Diligent and sacrificial service for those in your home and church community is your starting point for defeating principalities and powers.

The Glory of Steak Knives

Think of the serrated edge like your steak knives. The goal is not to mangle the poor steak. The goal is to cut it into pieces that can be swallowed. If you’ve ever assigned your young son to unload the silverware, you’ve probably caught him swinging mom’s steak knives around like swords. His ambition shouldn’t be dampened, but your job as his father is to join it with self-control. Teach him the telos of steak knives.

Thus, as you think about your own interactions with opponents of the Gospel, you should aspire to use all the tools available to the saints, and to use them well. Including the glorious tool of the serrated edge, or to use a more biblical term: the prophetic voice. But this comes with the duty to humble yourself when you gauge out a bystander’s eye because you failed to join your zeal for truth with the restraint of Christian charity.

A Catechism for Getting Ready for Church

A Catechism for Getting Ready for Church

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I usually go over these questions with my kiddos shortly before we head to church. Thought it might be useful for others. Enjoy and make it your own.

  1. Who made you? God.
  2. What else did God make? Everything.
  3. Why did God make you and all things? For His own Glory.
  4. Why do we go to church? To worship the Lord.
  5. How do we worship the Lord? In Spirit and in Truth.
  6. What does it mean to worship the Lord in Spirit? We worship Him from the heart.
  7. What does it mean to worship the Lord in Truth? We worship Him according to the Bible.
  8. Who do we worship the Lord with? All of God’s people.
  9. Who are God’s people? Those who are baptized & believe.
  10. Are you baptized? Yes.
  11. What does your baptism mean? That I belong to Jesus.
  12. Are you going to take the Lord’s Supper? Yes.
  13. What does the bread & wine remind us of? Jesus body and Jesus blood.
  14. Do you believe all this? Yes
  15. Bonus Question. Should you wiggle or fuss? No!
Attentive Fathers

Attentive Fathers

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Introduction

In the Jewish creed the Lord instructed Israel’s fathers to teach the words of God’s commandments diligently unto their children (Deu. 6:7). There is a rare, and surprising word used here for diligently. The word is the same word used elsewhere to describe a warrior sharpening/whetting his weaponry (arrows, spearheads, swords, etc.). To get a bit deeper into the Hebrew weeds, the word here is in the piel which, put simply, is a grammatical way of intensifying the action. An example would be the difference between “you broke” and the more intensified “you shattered.”

In short, the command to fathers is to treat their duty of instructing their children in the commandments of the Lord as a warrior sitting down to sharpen blunt edges, hone the edge until all dings and dents are removed, and bring the blade to excellent sharpness. A warrior who neglects his weapons is a danger to himself, his fellow soldiers, and those he’s fighting to defend.  The imperative here is primarily aimed at fathers, and thus take it to heart that this diligent attentiveness to your children is not a duty to be lightly set aside. You must not procrastinate in this task. So, I wanted to look a bit deeper at at least three areas this should be applied.

Repetition

Perhaps the most important component in this duty to sharpen your children is the implied repetition. A weapon can be sharpened, but it will not stay sharp after use. A good teacher gives instruction, and then quizzes. This is what catechism is. It is teaching our children to add their voice to the truth which we confess about what we find in Scripture. This cannot be done by osmosis, or mere proximity to other families that are diligently teaching. Just because you live next to the saw-blade factory doesn’t mean your table saw is sharp.

Young children are sponges for this sort of training, and you would do well to make use of this window when their minds are magnetically drawn to repeating songs and sayings. But don’t imagine that this duty fades once your children leave the nest. Of course, a father showing up at his grown son’s house and trying to make him do Bible drills would be a bit awkward. But catechesis in their youth will mature into things like regular meetings, reading a book together, and deliberate conversations in their adulthood. Think now about how you want your relationship with your kids to be when they become your peers. You probably don’t want your relationship with your adult children to just be “did you see the latest sports-ball game?” Simply put, a father builds a broad foundation in his children’s youth that gives plenty of elbow room for conversation in their adulthood.

Your inclination will be to think that sharpening the blade once should last for at least a little while. But this text in Deuteronomy indicates that this instruction should be morning, noon, and night. In some sense, you can be attentive to your children even while moving through the ebb and flow of life. However, anyone who owns a prized knife knows that with use comes an obligation to devote the time necessary to restore the blade often. This takes devoting time to the task. Don’t just assume it will happen. The Apostle Paul wonderfully exemplified this when he wrote to the Philippians: Finally, my brethren, rejoice in the Lord. To write the same things to you, to me indeed is not grievous, but for you it is safe (Phl 3:1).

Don’t be discouraged if you find yourself repeating lessons you thought your kids know. Frustration is like taking your dad’s hatchet and smashing granite with it…something I once did, to my great shame! Also, as you add kids it’s easy to think because you taught your oldest child some doctrine, or virtue, or explained some rule to them that the other kids will somehow catch it like they catch the Logos plague. Instead, take the time with each child and as a family to form frequent pathways of character, doctrine, and humility.

Distinguishing

While repetition is the most prominent attribute of this duty to sharpen our sons and daughters, we shouldn’t neglect the fact that part of this repetitive attentiveness requires knowing which tool you are sharpening. You can’t treat each blade the same. You can’t treat each nick identically. There is a process for each weapon that are similar and dissimilar from the other weapons. Wisdom is knowing how to sharpen each blade rightly, and then devoting the appropriate time for each particular weapon.

Every child is different. Age and gender come immediately to mind. But you should keep in mind that each child will also have differing gifts and talents. There are temptations for one child that will be entirely foreign to your other children. Some things will trouble one child, that another child will be unfazed by. This requires that you, as the father of your children, know them each by name. 

Here are some practicals. First, while each child may have a different “burn rate” when it comes to attention/affection from you, you must not think that you can put any of them on autopilot. This means identifying their strengths and weaknesses, and talking through those things with them, and then testing them on those points. You’re like a coach who wants his players to run the play a certain way and drills them until they get it right. Don’t settle for mediocre, but also don’t put success always out of reach. 

Second, your home isn’t a manufacturing plant for concrete blocks. Take the time necessary to know what each child loves and fears, what questions are on their minds, and how they are processing things in the life of the family. Understand how they understand things. Of course, this could be summarized as taking biblical principles and figuring out the best method for applying those to your particular children.

Third, keep in mind that in your family are numerous combinations of relationships. To change to a different metaphor, you must be like a skilled chef in understanding how the ingredients (i.e. each person in the family) combines with the dish you are trying to cook. There is interplay between all the various subsets, and this too takes your time and attention to recognize, study, and perfect. For instance, say two of your children are constantly squabbling; there are principles of confession of sin and forgiveness that are unchanging. But you also need to be considering what is driving the wedge between them, and how to bring about a sweetness and unity between them. After all, blessed are the peacemakers.

Again, this diligence that you are called to implies repetition and the ability to rightly distinguish how that repetition should look for each child.

Restoration

Perhaps you’ve seen those youtube videos of guys who find old weapons and restore them to glory. This should always be your outlook when thinking about the power of God’s Word applied by a loving and attentive father. There are children who may seem to be rusted beyond hope of restoration. But you do not serve a semi-potent God. You do not serve the Father of some mercies. You serve the Living God who sent His Son in order that you might become His sons. So then, do not doubt the efficacy of being an attentive father until your dying breath, and—in a sense—beyond. Leaving an inheritance of both material and spiritual wealth is showing attentiveness to your children’s children even after you pass into glory. Plan for your funeral to be a poignant loss for your children and grandchildren.

But when it comes to “prodigal sons” you should assume that the potency of your attention to your child is able to scratch an itch that no one else can. Part of this may include asking forgiveness for your own sin in their childhood. If you laid a rotten foundation, or if you were an example of ungodliness, own that. Such confession is powerful. But don’t think it has to stay that way. Pursue your children from their youth on up. Give them your attention. They want it, they need it, and you are the only one that can ever give them their dad’s attention. To be attentive fathers is to be diligent, and this becomes particularly true if the blade seems beyond repair. All this, it should be plain, requires persevering faith in all of God’s promises to you and your children.

Marriage Ruts

Marriage Ruts

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Introduction

Marriage is a life-long vow to love your wife, provide for her, and protect her. It doesn’t take long, however for marriages to fall into ruts which they obligingly trudge through for decades. It isn’t that either husband or wife have done atrocious things (although this certainly will make the ditches deeper), but they’ve planted a field of landmines of ungodly attitudes and actions.

In both the inner and outer life, each spouse has decided to settle for “this is just the way things are” rather than deliberately laboring for holiness within their marriage. As men, the fault for every last action within the marriage may not be yours, but the responsibility is entirely on your shoulders. So, I want to address a few ruts which husbands, in particular fall into in their marriage, and offer a few steps of godly leadership to get out of such ruts.

Intimacy 

The E on the eye chart for most men is the sexual vibrancy of their marriage. If sex is irregular (or entirely absent), if it is perfunctory, if she is regularly unresponsive, or sex is a constant source of contention, it can turn the joyful bodily partaking into a realm of mutual resentment. Men must remember that it is their duty to lead their wives entirely, and this includes in their sexual life.

Adopting the moodiness of a horny junior high boy will not suddenly turn your wife on to you. Neediness will certainly disincline her to give herself to you. So then, it is imperative that you have a biblical view of your sexuality. You are not a vessel of raging hormones. You are a lord of the earth, under the dominion of the Lord of Heaven and Earth; He has commanded you to take dominion…and this begins with your own desires. A steady contentment will go a long way to creating health in the bedroom. Sexual leadership requires you to remember that she is female and you are male, and she thrives on love expressed through stability and security, while you are fueled by admiration. This then should compel you to be admirable, hard-working, and gentle towards her. It also means that you must take initiative, but not just getting handsy in the kitchen. Sexual initiative looks like taking various financial, relational, and circumstantial burdens off her plate. If the finances are tight, if you’re not hustling, if you haven’t drawn clear boundaries with the overbearing in-laws, she will not suddenly find herself in the mood. 

If, however, you refuse to be “needy”, and instead your attention and generosity is great toward her, you will have taken a step towards making your physical relationship warmer than it otherwise was. One writer put it this way, “Generally speaking, a man finds intimacy and acceptance through sex while a woman needs to first experience intimacy and acceptance before she can be prepared to enjoy sex.”

Anger

Too many Christian husbands have recognized that they aren’t allowed to yell, scream, and beat their wife, so they’ve opted to metamorphose their anger into a low-grade fever of seething resentment. It could be the aforementioned sexual distance that leads to a grumbling spirit. Or it may just be stress at work, trouble with the kids, or getting passed over for the promotion has led you to be in a continual funk. As Lewis shrewdly pointed out, there is a grave danger of not just being a grumbler but to become an endless grumble.

Consider these words from Proverbs 29:22 and 17:19 – “An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression. […] He loveth transgression that loveth strife: and he that exalteth his gate seeketh destruction.” Notice the close relationship between anger and transgression and self-exaltation. Brooding anger is often times a proof of pride and not humility. Jesus really does exemplify for us that true leadership is found in humble service; not the tepid “servant leadership” which vanilla evangelicalism presents. Rather, the sort of humble service that is joyful in bearing a bloody cross, overthrowing tyrants, driving out demons, tending the sick. Your cranky attitude is like salting your garden and then being surprised that it never blooms. This is an area that men must have mastery over so that their marriage really can be playful. 

Attentiveness

Complacency can be deadly in every sphere of life. But if you’ve gotten into a routine within your home where you are habitually inattentive to your wife, she will also be inattentive to you. This takes real work and leadership to make sure that you put various distractions off to the side. Whether it be good things (i.e. an important work project, a good book, balancing the books, etc.) or simple distractions (i.e. that addicting video game, the social media food fight, the big game, etc.), your wife has a greater claim on your attention. Now, there can be times when couples can lean too far in the other direction and neglect other duties (like showing up to work on time). 

However, “drifting apart” happens slowly and then all at once. You must not let your marriage drift. This means you need initiate conversations with your wife, listen when she’s sharing things with you (even when you think they are about a trivial matter), and pay close attention to how what she’s saying describes how she is feeling about it all. Don’t let her feelings govern your actions and decisions, but do not dismiss them outright. They are often the “low oil” light on your dashboard.

You need to make sure that you’ve set aside time to go over various logistics of married life. Something like a quick trip to a coffee shop after the kids are in bed is a good way to spend time talking about things on her mind. 

Parenting

It is important for Christian parents to remember that raising their children is secondary to their marriage. From a spiritually healthy marriage will usually flow spiritually healthy children. But we must beware of the sorrows that come from inattentiveness in our parenting: “He that begetteth a fool doeth it to his sorrow: and the father of a fool hath no joy (Pro 17:21).” Here as well, you are responsible for setting the tone and trajectory of the instruction and correction of your offspring.

Wives will be more trigger shy when it comes to discipline, and they can often convince the husband that he needs to take it easy on the kids. It may be that you’re going over the top with how you’re disciplining. This comes back to the previous section, if you have pointed conversations with each other you will be able to dial in your discipline standards together. Lead her towards consistent firmness, while she can help you soften up in the right directions. The last thing you want to do is put parenting on cruise control, make assumptions, and be hands off.

Dollas

One rut that has been hinted at, but needs to be addressed directly is the problem of money. Or rather, the absence of money! There are two directions husbands fail their wives financially. One is too be absent-minded about the need to budget well, foresee needs, work hard to bring in extra income, and so on. A failure to lead your wife financially is like taking a hammer to her emotional kneecap. But the other direction of failure is to earn well, but be stingy with it. Husbands need to lead by providing a clear structure for their wife to be free to spend within, and then trust her implicitly with that spending. Lack of money will cause stress, but lack of trust will cause even more stress. A wife who maxes out the credit cards is crying out for clarity, communication, and financial leadership from her husband. Earn as much money as you can, and be as generous with it as you can, and let your wife be the first recipient of that generosity.

Conclusion

If you’re in one or more of these ditches (or all!) don’t despair. No black-pills. Rather, start tonight by taking a step out. Don’t be content with an icy marriage. Don’t think this is the way it has to be. If the ground is hard, turn it over and fertilize it. Two actions will go a long way: taking responsibility and acting generously.

Blow Their Minds

Blow Their Minds

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Parents, remember that you only get a handful of Christmases with your children to cement in their imagination the glorious joy that came with Christ’s advent. Overflow with generosity towards them. Make timeless memories. Don’t be a grouch, a curmudgeon, or spoil sport. Blow their minds with the goodness of God by giving them both yourself & brightly wrapped gifts of your love & affection.

The way you celebrate the Advent of Christ in the midst of the bleak midwinter sets a tone of triumphant joy and gratitude for your children’s entire lifetimes. The days leading up to Christmas are some of the most important ones there are for forming Christ-like character in your children. Don’t pull up short. Go all in.

Ben Zornes