Introduction
In the recent movie, Toy Story 5, the beloved character, Buzz Lightyear, at last marries that spunky cowgirl doll, Jessie. But in typical Hollywood fashion, instead of being served a wholesome home cooked meal, it subverts everything and serves up the equivalent of gas station sushi that’s been left out in the sun for a few hours. Instead of a father walking his daughter, arrayed in dazzling white, down an aisle to give her hand in marriage to a qualified young man we get a tux-wearing Jessie waiting at the head of the aisle, while Buzz in a kilt is walked down the aisle to be given in marriage by his father.
The Text
When thou shalt vow a vow unto the LORD thy God, thou shalt not slack to pay it: for the LORD thy God will surely require it of thee; and it would be sin in thee. But if thou shalt forbear to vow, it shall be no sin in thee.
Deuteronomy 23:21-22
Vows Matter
You would be unwise to reply to that Nigerian prince who promises you his inheritance of gold bars. In our moment when truth-telling is at all an all-time low, what with hallucinating AI-bots and our institutions hogtied with webs ofself-protective policies, it is important to understand that very simple teaching of our Lord. He commanded us to let our “yes” be “yes” and our “no” be “no” (Mt. 5:37). Flippancy is the garb draped on the body of modern linguistics.
But the Scriptures teach us that even our idle words will be judged (Mt. 12:36–37). So, when it comes to our vows, and especially our marital vows, we should skim all the froth of flippancy off the top. Vows are an act of worship (Deu. 10:20). Our text makes it plain that when you make a vow before the Lord you are bound to pay it, and to not make good on your vow is to sin. Better to forbear a vow, than to make a vow and break it.
A yearning for “high-trust society” is often spouted by the conservative podcast mafia. But such a society is downstream from individual commitment to truth telling and vow keeping. So, consider that when a young man shows interest in a fair maiden, and they begin daydreaming about wedding bells, their individual paths are converging. That point of convergence is the vows they will make to each other, before God, with their family and friends convened in witness.
Headship Matters
Thus, if the marriage vows are an act of worship, we should prepare for those vows accordingly. If you were notified that the President would like to join you for your Sabbath dinner, you would prepare for that hospitality like you’ve never prepared before. But too many folks, both parents and singles, take little to no thought about the path they should tread on their way to a wedding. Again, if marriage is the clearest way in which we display Gospel truths, we should order our path there in accordance with biblical principles.
The first principle we should consider is that headship matters. Autonomy is as impossible for us as flight is for an elephant. With a few exceptions, a father is the head of his household (1 Cor. 11:3, Eph. 5:23, Jos. 22:14). As such he is to answer before God for the spiritual and physical health of those under him (Deu. 6:7, 1 Tim. 5:8, Mk. 9:42).
This applies to courtship in a number of different directions. In a normal relationship you have the young man and young woman, but you also have several additional threads of relational authority. You have two household heads, with a young man from one of them seeking to form his own household with the daughter of the other household (Gen. 2:24).
A godly father is the head of his daughter (Cf. Num. 30:3ff). Of course, earthly heads can allow sin to poison the whole body. A father can misuse his headship by running away from it, by brandishing it to feed his ravenous appetites, or by employing it unpredictably as suits his capricious whims. Nevertheless, when a suitor comes along showing interest, he is signaling that he would like to swear to take responsibility for both the bodily and spiritual needs of that man’s daughter. He is asking to worship God in a particular way: the marriage oath. This is a good desire, but it needs guardrails.
Self-Government Matters
Fathers, then, are tasked with teaching both their sons and daughters self-government in order that they might be well prepared for household government. “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls (Pro. 25:28).” In other words, there is no greater safeguard than Spirit-born self-control; if you want your son or daughter to navigate courtship well, imparting self-government to them is imperative.
This is why a young man, prior to planting notions of romantic attachment in the mind of the girl that caught his eye, should take responsibility by approaching a girl’s father to discuss intent, to be examined, and to obey the duties contained in the fifth commandment. A young man’s desire for marriage needs to be governed by higher laws.
Likewise, a young woman should not run off with the bohemian sweet-talker simply because he took notice of her. She is not at liberty to make such a consequential decision unilaterally. A godly father would not want his daughter to be taken advantage of by a man who will not take responsibility for her spiritual and bodily health, and that of any children born from their union. Thus, daughters need to also have their desires for marriage harnessed by the higher duty of self-control. This comes back to gendered duties. For a young man, his virtue is principally exhibited in courageous responsibility, whereas a young woman’s virtue is exhibited in chaste meekness.
Marriage Matters
We’ve previously established that marriage matters. That being the case, our approach to marriage also matters. A young man should not pursue a young woman until he is well-poised to provide spiritual, emotional, and physical care of her. Conversely, a young woman should not give herself to any man that is not ready to do so.
Think of these principles like the foul posts of a baseball diamond. There are clear out of bounds (no same sex, not multiple partners, sex before marital vows, etc.). But within that boundary there will be various methods which are bounded by those principles.
A young man, after finding himself interested in a particular young woman, should make all effort to communicate that interest to her father. Now, we shouldn’t be more fastidious than Scripture, but we also shouldn’t be less careful than it. In other words, inviting a girl on a coffee date is not an egregious transgression of the principle of honoring a father’s authority over his daughter; however, at some point (likely after a second or third date) it really would become an egregious error.
A father should take his role of protecting his daughter seriously. But he is raising his sons and daughters for the right sort of independence. He is raising them to be mature enough to raise his grandkids. One failure on the part of parents in overseeing a courtship is by hovering too close or not close enough. Some parents want courtship to be like a rigid set of military protocols that can never be adjusted. Others have never given thought to there being any protocols other than, “try not to get anyone pregnant.” We really ought to take our faith seriously, and this should show up in how we extract the principles of God’s Word and implement them via wise methods, appropriate to our circumstances.
The Gospel Matters
After all, all of these principals matter because the Gospel matters. Paul exhorted Titus to teach the saints of Crete to live in such a way that their manner of life adorned the Gospel they professed (Tit. 2:10). We don’t live this way in order to obtain the good news which the Gospel offers, rather it is the reasonable worship which flows from understanding the Gospel. Christ redeemed us from death in order that mankind might be brought into maturity.
Our culture has abandoned itself to the unrestrained pursuit of sexual gratification. In this, it reveals how immature it really is, for it cannot conceive of higher and transcendent glories. Our culture repeatedly shows how dimwitted we are. Our song is painfully out of tune. However, like the lines of sheet-music enable the notes to find their proper place, so to the principles of God’s Word, rather than dulling our joy, enable us to receive God’s gifts with acute delight. Only the wisdom of Christ makes the marriage bed sing.
Charge & Benediction
A sermon like this brings to mind that wonderful line from 1 Corinthians, “You are not your own.” In other words, we don’t get to follow our heart, we get something far better: God’s Law written on our hearts. So, families talk together about the principles that we’ve seen today from God’s Word, and then consider what methods are best for applying those principles graciously to your own set of circumstances. Single men and women, do something similar, talk with your folks and trusted older saints. In all this, we show ourselves to be men and women under the authority of our good and gracious King.
The peace of God, which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God, and of His Son Jesus Christ our Lord; and the blessings of God Almighty, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, be upon, and remain with you always. Amen.
Leave a Reply