Introduction
Wisdom doesn’t stand at the blackboard, chalk in hand, tongue askew, trying to solve increasingly complex math problems. Wisdom doesn’t parrot out rules of grammar, dates of historic people and events, or capitals of far off places. Wisdom wrestles with the world that is in rebellion to how God made it to transform it into the world that Christ intends it to be and for which He shed His blood. Trying to prepare for marriage, or prepare your children for marriage, without wisdom is like trying to paint the sky purple; it both can’t and shouldn’t be done.
The Text
Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?
Proverbs 6:27-28
Summary of the Text
Our erotic desires are highly combustible. Like wildfires choke the fresh summer air, the smoke of sexual folly hovers all around us. For those enrolled in Solomon’s course of kingly wisdom, this is one of the repeated lessons. To let sexual desires off the leash of covenant vows, is like piling burning coals in your lap.
Everyone involved in courtship (parents and the young man and woman) need to beware that the same fire that warms and comforts in the fireplace, can leave the entire house a charred ruin if not kept in its proper place. Thus, wisdom is not simply a straightforward math equation.In Solomon’s prologue he tells his students that if you want wisdom you need to learn to wrestle in such a way that you come out triumphant (Pro. 1:1-7).
To sit at the feet of the King’s wisdom is to learn how to solve riddles, how to read between the lines, how to discern between that which is good and that which is best. Wisdom is, at times startling; it looks like threatening to cut a baby in half (1 Kgs. 3:16-28). By this cunning strength of God’s Word, we can overcome the dangers that oftentimes waylay couples. There are many red flags and roadblocks on this road that leads to marriage, and as saints we are given an armory for avoiding them all by God’s grace.
Wisdom for Parents
The Psalmist paints a picture of what the conclusion will be of parenting under God’s blessing: sons like fruit trees heavily laden with fruit, daughters like the finely fashioned pillars of a palace (Ps. 144:12). In both metaphors it is incumbent on parents to recognize that diligent labor is involved, whether in nurturing an orchard or in carving load-bearing pillars.
Sons are to grow into plants that nourish. Yet many young men throughout history have grown into ravagers. But our sons can only nourish if they walk in wisdom by the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). Daughters are to be praiseworthy, not simply for their beauty, but more so for their fear of the Lord (Pro. 31:30). A young man who is not bearing fruit, a young woman that is rough around the edges and wobbly morally, are not ready for marriage, and such individuals should not be considered for marriage.
Do not allow your sons or daughters to be narrow. If you allow them to cultivate weirdness or oddity or narrowness you are turning them into a boring person and sabotaging their marriage prospects. Things like good manners, good humor, good work ethic, good looks, good smell, and the list could go on are all what we might call “love in the trifles.” We want our sons and daughters to be fit in their body, soul, and mind.
Eventually, your son will cast his eye upon some girl. He will need your guidance, but also remember you have raised him, ideally, to be the sort of young man that takes responsibility. He has heeded your counsel about his mind, his appearance, his work ethic, his morals and so he should have no need to be intimidated by approaching a young woman or her father for consideration. But be mindful, the other family is under no obligation to say yes to his advances.
A “no” can be hurtful, and there may be temptations to bitterness or scoffing. But there are at least two possibilities for why your precious baby was turned down: he was unqualified or they are foolish. If some character defect emerged during a first pass at courtship, take that into consideration and work to weed out those defects. On the other hand, he may have dodged a bullet. If she is a remarkable young woman, the son may be encouraged to work on some of the things and then try again a time or two; and then if it works out, great, if not, let it go.
But there is asymmetry here for the parents of the young man as opposed to the parents of the young woman. The young man’s parents function as counselors sending out their son on a mission while the young woman’s father should function as a gate-keeper for a sacred garden. If a young woman is to be “a garden enclosed (Sng. 4:12)” then the father is the sentinel at the front of that gate.
With that in mind, when a young man approaches a girl’s father for permission to pursue his daughter (with the ultimate goal of marrying her) a father needs to recognize that this is one of the most important duties of his life. His daughter will be throwing in her whole lot with this guy. She is going to share in his successes and failures. She is going to bear his children, and this young man will be the father of his grandchildren. She will be blessed by his virtues and hurt by his vices. Thus, fathers need to do diligence in examining a young man. That examination should be thorough and charitable.
Wisdom for Sons
What should that assessment look like? I call it the “Three Legged Stool of Being Ready for Marriage”. Perhaps not the snappiest title I’ve come up with, but follow me here. A young man needs to demonstrate clear faithfulness and self-governance in three particular spheres.
The first leg of the stool is this: are you spiritually faithful? Diligence in daily Bible-reading, prayer, and joyful participation in Lord’s Day worship are not nice additions, they are indispensable. A man who is unable to lead himself spiritually is not prepared to lead a wife and children.
The second leg: are you sexually faithful? If you are habitually consuming pornography, you are unfit to marry. If you are unable to govern your sexual desires you aren’t cut out to lead a one horse parade. The prophet Hosea explains why this is the case: Whoredom and wine and new wine take away the heart (Hos 4:11). Unrestrained gratification of sexual desires in particular, along with drunkenness and gluttony, “take away the heart.” Such a man is truly heartless. This is also why God prohibited kings from multiplying wives: “Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away (Deu. 17:17).” Divided sexual attention leads to a divided heart. Your heart is to be kept with all diligence (Pro. 4:23). It is not capable of unlimited attachments, any more than a train is capable of running on multiple tracks at the same time.
The third leg: are you fiscally faithful? If a young man cannot yet provide food and shelter (notice I didn’t say three yachts and nightly Michelin star dining) he is not yet in a place to fulfill the duty of husbanding. If he spends like there’s no tomorrow, and saves just the same, he is unready. But if he demonstrates diligence in his work, meagerness in his spending, frugality in his saving, and has a vision for how to develop his vocation more and more, he is a quite suitable suitor.
If these three arenas are well in hand, the young man is the sort of man a father can count as a crown of glory, and which a prospective father-in-law can gladly give his daughter’s hand to.
Wisdom for Daughters
Now, regarding young women, we need to look to the Word of God as well in evaluating when she is ready for marriage. Proverbs outlines two sorts of women: a woman draped in the finely embroidered robes of wisdom, or a woman slinking about with the tattered rags of folly.
A young woman must recognize that she is either one or the other. She is either a daughter of Mother Kirk who builds her house upon the cornerstone of Christ and His Word, or she is a seductress who destroys everything in her path, leading souls to hell. Consider the flip side of Solomon’s caution to sons regarding seductive women in Proverbs 5. It isn’t principally a woman’s beauty that leads a man astray, it is the enticing words of her lips (Pro. 5:3-4). But her honey-sweet words turn into an assassin’s dagger.
Thus, a godly young woman must recognize that her lips will either speak worlds of glory into existence, or worlds of horror. Remember, a godly young woman is to be like the stationary and ornate pillars of a palace. A wife’s duty is to bring structure and beauty and belonging to the palace of the home. It should also be noted that this is the same imagery that is used to describe the church: the pillar and ground of the truth (1 Tim. 3:15). The church stands steadfast, it stands to honor and reverence our husband, the Lord Jesus. It encircles us, nurtures us, and gives to us our sense of belonging to the everlasting feast of grace.
But consider the alternative. Look at the sort of ruin which heeding a seductress’ spells brings about. Solomon echoes Job’s warnings from Job 31:9-12. His honor (offspring) is given to others (v9). His years will be spent under cruel masters (v9). His wealth will be enjoyed by strangers (v10). He will work for foreign slave-drivers (v10). His flesh and bones will be run ragged, and eventually he will mourn his folly (v11); regret will plague him, as he hears the echoes of his teacher’s unheeded warnings (vv12-13). His foolishness will be a dark cloud hanging above him everywhere he goes (v14).
A young woman is either a home-maker or a home-wrecker. Those really are the two options. You young women are to embrace the awesome glory of what it means to be a queenly fount of Christ-like wisdom, meekness, and chastity. To embrace this is to be a life-giver. To receive this gladly is to become a pillar of civilization. To rejoice in this is to become a tree in the orchard of God’s life-giving wisdom.
The alternative is to become a merchant of death. This is the path which all stripes of feminism lead to. A woman who is not intent on submission to God and His Word is consequently a rebel against the whole world. You young women really have only two paths open to you, submission to the Word or submission to your own fickle heart. One turns you into a flourishing garden, the other turns you into a gate to hell. In one word, a young woman should be remarkably content. And a content woman is the sort of woman cherished as beyond the price of rubies (Pro. 31:10).
The King’s People
All of this is downstream from our identity as the people of the king. We are called unto maturity. This is what it means to reign with Christ. The only way to avoid all the heartache and disaster which sin brings, is to walk by faith in the Christ who forgives sin and leads us out of our folly into His kingdom of wisdom.
Charge & Benediction
Are you a parent? A young man? A young woman? A grandparent who wants lots of great grand-babies? Have you been single for longer than you desire? Well…the call of God’s Word is get wisdom by coming in faith to Christ and letting the rest of life fall in line with that primary loyalty.
Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, And to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to God our Savior, Who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen.
Jude 1:24-25
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